The secret to Trump’s success

Boy howdy, have you seen those Trump rallies? Scary stuff.

It seems like for the past few weeks, my host and I have heard many horror stories about people going to protest at Donald Trump rallies, only to get removed — sometimes violently — from the event. While some of these removals have been with relatively peaceful security forces, the treatment these protesters have seen from Trump supporters is kind of disgusting.

It got so bad that a rally in Chicago was hastily canceled after violence ensued between protesters and supporters.

Trump himself has been really wishy-washy about the whole thing. While he claims that there’s no violence, even calling them “lovefests” at one point, he has said things at his rallies that deliberately rouse his supporters. He knows how to command a crowd.

As a technologically advanced alien brain parasite, his sway has always puzzled me. After the recent violence at his rallies, however, I can only come to one conclusion with these facts.

Donald J. Trump is secretly a psychic mastermind.

Is he human? Maybe. Some of the more banal species under our control have given birth to some individuals gifted in psychic abilities. It’s possible that his parents had unknowingly given birth to a psychic mutant.

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It’s also possible that he’s a hypnokinetic alien from some reach of space that we haven’t discovered yet, and he’s in disguise. That’s bordering on crazy conspiracy talk, though.

Nonetheless, we can’t deny the evidence. Trump’s supporters follow his every whim. They’re conditioned to respond violently, sometimes physically, to anyone who thinks differently. Any and all criticism of Trump is deflected away and ignored. At rallies, it seems as if they cannot be reasoned or bargained with.

Even his former rivals, like Chris Christie or Ben Carson, have eventually found Trump’s psychic pull difficult to resist. Look at Christie’s face when he made his official endorsement. He’s fighting it! He has the look of a man that’s trying desperately to break free from the Trump spell.

Carson even praised Trump as a “very cerebral” candidate, claiming that the Trump we see inciting violence and failing to sell steaks is a different Trump from the one trying to “consider things carefully.” He knows! He knows about those powers!

I’d argue they’re the same person, though. Trump is playing a long game, using his rabid fan base as an important unit in the grand design. He thinks he’s got it all figured out. However, I see a gaping hole in his strategy.

See, his psychic powers are pretty feeble, from what I’ve seen. They’re able to sway the incredibly weak-minded (see Sarah Palin) but those strong-willed among us can see the danger he poses to America. It doesn’t actually take much to resist his psychic strength. From the looks of it, it’s easier to shrug off than a Jedi mind trick.

Protesters at his rallies are right there, in the same square mile as the guy, and they can resist it. One guy, Thomas DiMassimo, even tried to get up on stage in an Ohio rally for a brief moment, and judging from a recent CNN interview, he still seems fine.

If Trump can’t use his powers to influence someone who’s right up there with him, he still needs to work on it. That’s hilariously weak. There are psychokinetic children under the Empire’s control that have far more power than this guy.

Maybe it’s because humans haven’t adapted to psychic energy, or maybe Trump is just the wrong man with the wrong power. Up until now, he’s failed to sell us everything from vodka to magazines. He flip-flops from opinion to opinion whenever the convenience arises. At his rallies, he proposes ideas that are flat-out impossible.

It seems that for as psychically powerful as Trump is, he’s still pretty weak-minded himself. That’s a special kind of irony.

Trump still has a lot of supporters that’ll be voting for him in the coming election, though. You know the best way to counter that. Alaska’s Republican primaries have already occurred — Ted Cruz narrowly secured victory, meaning that our state isn’t all crazy — but if Trump does secure the nomination, vote against him! Even if you’re a Republican and you don’t like the idea of a Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton White House, you’ve gotta admit that Trump would put our country in a far poorer state than either of those two.

So stay strong. You don’t have to be very strong to deflect Trump’s rhetoric, but hey. It always helps to be vigilant.


(Note: this article is clearly satire. Don’t take it seriously.)