The ‘Latrine Dean’ declares mission to grade restrooms on ‘A.P.T.-itude’ scale

By John Budnik

Folks, I come to you in an instance where the pen is mightier than the sword. I come to you to with critiques of our wonderful University’s restrooms on the main campus.

I am not writing these critiques for only the student body, or just the faculty, but for UAA as a whole. I aim to make my campus a better place for the remainder of my stay and for future and current alumni and faculty.

Now I know what you are thinking, “But, why do you critique our University’s restrooms and what good does it serve us?”

After spending four and a half years of my life walking up and down the University’s main campus, sometimes in a haste to make the next class and sometimes not, I walk amongst a diverse population. This diversity is not only of racial, ethnic, sex and political value, but even as simple as a difference in hair color. I ask myself what it is that we all have in common. What is it that unites every single person that has ever attended UAA regardless of race, ethnicity, sex, religion, and of all majors and hair color?

We all use the same restrooms.

With the number of coffee establishments and eateries here on main campus, the probability of the person reading this article of having to use a restroom here on the main campus is high. Thus, you will have a good perspective of the best and most comfortable restroom to answer the call of nature. After all, you deserve one.

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It is understandable that the activities that go on within a restroom may be labeled as ‘taboo’ and may be deemed disgusting and not for public forum. I assure you all that these critiques will not be child’s potty talk or aim to offend.

To reiterate my motives, it is to simply make our campus a better place by offering a perspective of advisable comfort. If so, by happenstance, that a reader of mine is of the authority to change something of a restroom I have critiqued to improve said comfort then I shall credit my motive being of success, as this person understands what I am trying to achieve; that is the bettering of the University through the comfort of restrooms we all share together.

The development of a stringent critique was needed to accurately analyzing the University’s bathrooms.

First, I plan to take you through ten of main campus’s restrooms. I will be critiquing these restrooms in order from east to west beginning at the Fine Arts Building, examining each restroom from a different building for every critique.

Second, an implementation of what I am referring to as an “A.P.T.-itude” test for each restroom in which it has potential to be of comfortable use.

The “A” stands for atmosphere, which entails the status of sanitation of the restroom, aesthetics of the restroom and functionality of the restroom. Basically, the condition and comfort of the hardware available in the restroom examined.

The “P” stands for privacy. This part of the test is of mere intuition. This will be described in upon the level that I feel exposed or not, because we all want a little anonymity.

The “T” stands for toilet paper. In all honesty, is there really anything more important than what we have to finish our “business” with? We have all used public restrooms before and have been guests in an acquaintance’s abode, and nothing is more reassuring of this fact than when we must use foreign toilet paper that I.D. different from what you may purchase for yourself at the grocery store.

These three letters will each receive a rating between one and five stars. Five will be the highest rating and one will be the lowest. An overall star score will be issued through the average of all three criteria.

I am only going to be able to critique the male side of each restroom first hand, but that is why I will be relying upon my friend and colleague to assist me with the female side. She will be known as “Correspondent Kellie” and will tell me what she thinks of the female side to the best of her knowledge, according to the test that has been described.

I look forward to this journey in which I set forth, self-proclaiming myself as the “Latrine Dean.” Not for the good of me, not for the good of you, but for the good of us and to better the campus through furthering the comfort of each other’s company while we achieve great things here at the University of Alaska Anchorage.

So grab yourself a bran muffin, fire up a pot of coffee, grab your favorite magazine and I’ll see you at the Fine Arts Building!

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