By Klax Zlubzecon
Translated by George Hyde
I think I arrived at a really strange time for you humans. Over the span of the last century or two, communication went from radio, to telephones, to television, to computers, to the Internet, to smartphones… and now we come to watches.
Again, as I said in the Windows 10 article a while back, we slugs don’t need this kind of communication. If I want to communicate with another slug, I just think something, and they get it. Hive minds are kind of awesome like that.
But you humans still haven’t developed that yet. You think you’re so high and mighty, but the best you can muster is a mini-tablet worn around the wrist. Come on! Your brains still don’t have that capacity? Pathetic. That’s what you get for spending so much time on your phones.
But I digress. A lot of people speculate whether the Apple Watch will really catch on like the iPhone and other smartphones did. After all, for the past decade, Apple has been a trend-setter. Without the iPhone, smartphones would still be a minor niche product. Without the iPad, tablets wouldn’t have taken off. Without the iPod and iTunes, we’d still be stuck downloading songs on a lesser service, probably for a more obscene price.
Apple is a master of simple ingenuity. All of their products are foolproof. George uses Windows on his gaming machine, and plans to switch to Linux once Adobe’s Creative Suite inevitably moves there, but he wouldn’t trust his family with anything other than Apple. His parents both bought non-Apple laptops a few years ago, and then bought iPads not even a year later because they were easier to use. His grandparents use a Mac because they’d have malware up the hoo-hah if they were using anything else. His family uses an Apple TV, and… well, that’s actually a terrible option for video streaming, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies. But you get the point!
I doubt the Apple Watch will be any less intuitive. It’s essentially going to be a smaller iPhone. But early reviews suggest one issue that may ruin the whole thing: the size.
George has huge, fat fingers. When he plays games, he prefers an Xbox controller to a Playstation controller because his hands are too monstrous for the latter. And I fear that when George taps a tiny icon on the Watch, the Watch won’t be able to discern what icon he’s trying to tap. If you hate typing on a tiny smartphone keyboard, trying to do basic things on a smartwatch is going to be just as much of a nightmare, if not moreso.
But it’s not just ergonomics that’s the issue here. One early complaint that Apple claims to be fixing with a later update is load times. The Watch is so small that the components within can only be so strong, and that can bog the Watch down when it’s under a heavy workload.
And when the Watch slows down or can’t load something, what do you do? You pull your smartphone out and do stuff on that instead. And that completely destroys the point of owning a smartwatch, because once you have the phone out, you may as well just use that for everything.
This is an issue that I’m confident will be fixed in at least a year’s time. Moore’s Law dictates that technology becomes twice as potent every two years, so load times will likely be a moot point in a year or two, when the inevitable Apple Watch 2 comes out. But this means that the whole smartwatch idea might need some more time in the oven before it gets out to the public. Will the public still care by then? Who can say?
Really, I can’t tell when or if the smartwatch idea will take off. People are saying the same things about virtual reality and smart cars. People said the iPad was a dumb idea when that was first announced, but they lapped it up once it came out.
But I will say this. The iPhone killed flip phones. The iPad almost killed laptops. The Apple TV, as much as I loathe the thing, is killing cable. Apple kills old tech, and if they can’t kill anything with the Watch, I doubt it will succeed.
It won’t matter once psychic communication just kills everything, but I get the feeling you humans have a while to go before that’s a thing.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. EMBRACE THE SEAWOLF SLUG.