Sexual edibles disappoint

Seinfeld’s George Costanza once had an idea about food and sex. He said that they were his two passions. “It’s only natural to combine them,” he said in the ninth season episode titled, “The Blood.” Some things sound like a really good idea, as George would later find out, but don’t really work out. Such is the truth of edible sexy-time thingies.

OK, so maybe that’s not the “technical” term for it, but it’s the term that encompasses edible body paints, underwear and other items that maybe consumed during sexual activity; or whenever, if that’s your thing.

Most everyone likes to spice things up in the bedroom, and what’s more sensual than enjoying sweet treats off of your lover’s body?

But are they actually tasty? The Northern Light decided to find out.

Three very brave tasters tried three different products to see which ones provide the most fun, all on an “Out of Five” scale. Here are the results.

Edible finger paints

$8.99 for a box of four different flavors

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Score:

Tasty: 2.5

Practical: 3.2

Sexy: 3.2

With flavors like “Chew Chew Cherry” and “Scrumptious (sic) Strawberry” how could they go wrong? Mostly, by making it taste like crayon as one taster wrote. All four were bright neon colors but one tester thought that the little pots looked like mold. The paints didn’t come off easily either by licking or washing. Ultimately, average scores all around.

Consensus: Not sexy, not practical, and tastes like chapstick. Would probably serve well as a lip-gloss.

Sexy Body Graffiti – Kissable Body Spray Paint

$14.99

Score:

Taste: 2.3

Practical: 2.6

Sexy: 3.3

The pictures on the box look sultry, but there’s nothing sexy about this body spray. Flavored “Sexy Strawberry,” everything about this seems like sexy idea, especially from the light pink spray-painted kisses on the package. But call it false advertising – the supposed pink spray comes out maroon and drips everywhere. The scent is overpowering and lingers long after the spray has been licked away.  The taste is nothing to brag about either. “Sexy Strawberry” is gag-able sweet with a soapy aftertaste.

Consensus: Looks like a “bloody mess.”  If you’re into that, go for it. Everyone else can probably leave this one alone.

ID Juicy Lube – Multiple flavors

$1.49 for .34 ounce tester $14.95 for 3.8 ounce bottle

Score:

Taste: 2.2

Practical: 4.4

Sexy: 2.8

This seems like it should be such a good idea, like it should be a great way to add a little spice to your romance, but sadly, it fails. Despite eight different flavors available at Castle (in alluring flavors like peach, bubblegum, watermelon and mint) none of them would be able to add much to your sex life. While practical, the foul taste is overwhelming and medicinal.

Consensus: “Not right” and “tastes like cheap Mexican candy.” Not for those with distinguished palates.