What do you do when your heart races at the thought of being with someone? Do you act on impulse? Do you stand there and let your chance pass by?
The question stands: Are you the type of person who will grab every opportunity or let fear get the best of you? In my case, I had a recent experience that seemed characteristic of both.
A couple weeks ago, I spent some time with a guy I used to date. We were just friends, though I wanted to be more than that again. Nothing serious had happened between us since our breakup.
But it was just that. I didn’t want to throw myself into his arms hoping something would change, and I obviously didn’t want to stand frozen like some awkward turtle.Weactedjustfinetogether and made conversation, like we were just two straight men who were friends. He sat on one side of the couch and I sat on the other.
Midnight hit and we were both tired.
We both got ready for bed. He lay on the couch and I lay on my floor bed next to the couch. The lights were off and everything was silent. I listened to his slow, calm breathing wondering if he was asleep.
My eyes were closed, yet I somehow wound up cuddled to my body pillow, facing his direction. The “so close, yet so far” feeling start to fill my head. My mind was wandering every which way.
I finally just took a deep breath and said, “No funny business or anything, but do you think I can cuddle with you?” I then stopped and just lay there, wondering if I really just asked that. I didn’t want anything to be awkward.
He said “yes” and proceeded to roll over off the couch and into my bed.
We cuddled with one another the entire night.
What’s interesting is that we didn’t do anything. By “anything,” I mean we didn’t go far into the sexual acts most people usually end up doing when cuddling.
I kind of wanted something to happen, though I knew it would have meant nothing compared to the deeper feelings I had for him.
Embarrassingly, he would commented that my heart was beating unusually fast. I hadn’t realized my heart was racing until he said something.
I had so much of an urge to just kiss him, but my mind was saying “no.” It wouldn’t have been healthy for our friendship if something else happened.
But the ridiculous thing about it all was just that: We were two gay men cuddling with one another in our jammies.
Cuddling there in silence, I was talking to myself in my head. Questions just kept rising. Should I do this? Should I not do this? Am I too still? Do I move too much? What is he thinking?
We both stayed up through the night just laying there pretending to sleep. The thing that still gets me is how much self-control we both had. But then again, was it self-control or fear?
That night, I chose to avoid diving deep into chance.
But then again, I sometimes wonder, “What if?”