Sex and the Seawolf: First gay experience

So everyone tends to have interesting stories of how they lost their virginity, myself included. I am currently a freshly sprouted gay within the community, slowly easing myself in to this whole new world. Now before you continue reading my ever-so-revealing story of how I lost my V-Card, you must understand that I obviously was once a confused straight man.

I once had a girlfriend, very loving indeed, but something always felt very peculiar. When I was with her I felt at peace, never really knowing what I was missing. She then broke up with me because I was too harsh; I tend to agree with that assessment, and I apologized in later months for being so. We had never done anything except for the occasional make out session. After her, I had never really grown much interest in anyone else. Then my freshman year of college happened. This was my experimentation phase.

In all honesty, I was never really attracted to either sex to an extreme degree. I would usually rate the beauty in a person by how well their face was structured or how they were built and so on, so I was more an admirer than a lover.  I began to open up the idea that I could be bisexual. So my first course of action was to apply it through social media in the name of GRINDR.

GRINDR is a mobile app for gays to basically reveal who is or is not available. It could be seen as the real “Gay-dar.” A gay can chat with other gays, questionings, or bisexuals easily without the hassle of sifting through who is straight and who is not.

On my first day with this app I received a total of twenty-something personal messages. Oddly enough, they contained paraphrased versions of “hello” following a compliment.

I politely messaged back to most of those who seemed decent. I kept conversation with a couple, and lost interest in the rest.

A couple weeks had gone by, and I had been asked on a few dates — none of them, however, I agreed to. There was one guy in particular that kept insisting on taking me out. I was just very hesitant in actually seeing him, or any guy for that matter. I finally submitted to his constant barrage of “When can I finally meet you?” and decided that if I were ever to figure out if I was sexually attracted to men, that I needed to take a chance. I said “Yes, meet me at Starbucks at noon tomorrow.”

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I met him and he was very much a gentleman. The date ended shortly with him asking me when he could see me again. I still hesitated and joked with “I’ll text you.” Obviously I did not want to lie.

A week later, I decided I would make an effort in getting to know him. I went to his house. He cooked Thai food and was very sweet. He then asked, “Do you want to cuddle?” I had never cuddled with a man before, but I did it. It was … nice.  He then proceeded to kiss my neck, and for you readers out there, my neck is a very sensitive spot. One thing leads to another. I basically received my first everything involving a man with him. It was not an enjoyable experience for me. I, however, am not the kind to just drop something and leave rudely. I let it go further to the point where we just “did it.” He carried me into his room with such vigor. I did not know what I was getting myself into. One thing I was very conscious about was the usage of a condom. He took it slow. I myself thought, “Just let it end.” I had never felt such a great deal of pain in my life. He finished, and I quickly rushed to the bathroom with a spur of random thoughts through my mind.

“Did I just do it with a man?”

“Did I just lose my virginity?”

“Did I just eat Thai food before I had sex?”

With that, I washed myself of my actions and got dressed. He gave me a hug and I sat down on the couch staring at the muted movie playing on the TV. I stood up and told him I had to leave to go catch a game of World of Warcraft — it was a Tuesday. He asked, “When can I see you again?” I replied with “I’ll text you.” I left his apartment, got into my car and drove off.

As I was driving into the sunset, I felt odd about not enjoying it. I will remember many things about that evening. One thing I will probably never eat again is Thai food.