Seawolf Slug: Adventures in losing weight

If you’ve ever met my host George, you’ll know that he’s… well, on the heavy side, to put it generously. He eats a lot of junk, he rarely works out, and most of his time is either spent writing, gaming, or binge-watching something. Basically, he’s at his computer most of the day.

That’s a shame for me, because I want to be out exploring. And sometimes, at my command, we do that. But when you’re a parasitic brain slug, your ideal host is not someone who can’t run for more than 30 seconds, and it’s definitely not someone who gets tired and sweaty after walking all the way across UAA’s campus. And speaking of which, forget about walking that distance in less than 15 minutes, which he often has to do because of his poor scheduling skills.

Point is, he’s out of shape. Still is, as I type this. But for once, something wonderful has happened.

He’s lost weight. Probably for the first time ever.

Now, he hasn’t changed much. He still doesn’t work out very often, and he still eats junk. But he’s been eating less junk, and going on more walks around town. And that, I think, has done him some real good so far.

I don’t know how he came to the decision to get in shape, which is weird, considering that I’m a being that can read his mind. I don’t think even he knows how he came to that decision. Maybe he looked at a chicken wing late in the day, depressed, and decided that enough was enough. Maybe he was sick of the fact that he couldn’t run for more than a few seconds without instantly feeling drained. Or it could just be a whim. However he came to that decision, it’s buried deep in that weird mind of his; deep enough for not even him to reach.

But man, he feels amazing. More shirts fit him, he can run for (slightly) longer distances, and because he’s been eating less, he’s been feeling less hungry. I don’t know how that works, but hey, good for him.

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Today, though, he went over to a fitness center – someone with a platinum membership brought him as their plus-one – and after about fifteen minutes, he felt like sludge. It was a grim reminder that it’s been far too long since he’s last worked out. Even with less meat on his bones, he’s still very out of shape.

I believe that with time, however, he’ll feel great. He just needs to keep at it. To use a weird metaphor, someone who lives in excrement is much more tolerant of the smell than someone who just wades in for the first time.

We slugs don’t have excrement. Or bones, or muscle. If we worked out on a regular basis, we wouldn’t be soft, mushy, small brain slugs. That’s why we have other species do the work for us. Life’s kind of awesome like that.

But, you know, it was nice to sit on that treadmill as he worked out. He had to take me off his head, because I’m not fond of the way his sweat smells, but if I keep silently shouting encouragement, I think he’ll do well. He just has to get used to it.

If you would like to lose weight, though, you should first talk to a good nutritionist. I’m sure there are many studying, aspiring nutritionists on campus you can talk to for advice. George still doesn’t do nutrition very well, but hey, he’s losing weight, so that can’t be all bad. Here’s what he’s been doing, and any nutritionists – or students studying up to be one – can leave an angry comment telling him what he’s doing wrong.

A) Counting those calories. Nutritionists online recommend a minimum of 1500 a day, with a maximum of around 2000. Those numbers are definitely going to differ depending on the person, but for George, it’s been working well.

B) Keep nutrition in mind. Multivitamins and supplements are alright, but George definitely prefers getting that stuff from actual food, like the big eater he is. Fruits and veggies are your friends. Duh.

C) Do more than just sit at the computer or TV all day. Obvious statement, really.

And one more helpful tip, D) whenever you can, stand. A standing human body is always going to be burning more than a sitting one. George has always wanted a standing desk for his gaming setup, and the more calories he can burn during his long gaming and writing sessions, the better.

These tips should definitely be taken as a grain of salt, considering that they’re coming from both a figurative slug who eats junk food and doesn’t exercise much, and a literal slug who feeds off of brain waves and doesn’t exercise at all. But hey, if it’s helping my host, it probably couldn’t hurt. And it’s the summer! Now’s the time to do it. We at the Empire want fit human soldiers fighting our wars, so get cracking.