‘Resident Evil: Apocalypse,’ so bad, it could be a comedy

1/5 — It’s one thing to make a movie based on a video game, but to make a sequel to a movie based on a video game is ludicrous. Director of “Resident Evil: Apocalypse,” Alexander Witt, is either very confident or very stupid. After watching the movie, I think he’s probably stupid.
While the first “Resident Evil” was mildly entertaining, the sequel is on the verge of unbearable. It’s the first movie all over again with new characters that eventually get killed.

In the film, the multi-billion dollar Umbrella Corporation is ruining everybody’s life again. For some reason they decide to reinvestigate the Hive, an underground lab contaminated by a lethal virus and where a bunch of people died in the first movie. Umbrella releases the virus and a variety of monsters terrorize the streets of Raccoon City. Umbrella quarantines the entire city and almost everyone turns into a zombie. Once the chaos begins, Umbrella decides to release the original “Resident Evil” heroine, Alice, played by Milla Jovovich.

The guys at the Umbrella Corporation decided it would be sweet to genetically enhance Matt, a survivor from the first movie, into a 10-foot tall, gangly-toothed apron-wearing mutant. A new mutant, Nemesis, spends the duration of the movie strolling through the city with a Gatling gun and a rocket launcher that expels bullets like spit wads. His purpose is to find and kill the super-powered Alice. The movie eventually devolves from a story of a city in turmoil to a wrestling smack down between Alice and Nemesis. The leader of Umbrella makes them disarm and watches them duke it out. It’s a pubescent boy’s fantasy.

“Apocalypse” is essentially a bunch of 10-second-long scenes strung together with lots of explosions. The movie’s fast pace is supposed to disguise the fact that the script sucks. With lines like, “I’m good, but I’m not that good,” you’ll find yourself wondering if the dialogue was taken directly from the video game.

At times “Apocalypse” can be entertaining. With biological freaks, high-tech weaponry and cute girls breaking zombie necks, it’s hard not to be amused. Unfortunately, this kind of eye candy dominates the film so relentlessly that you’ll be bored with it after the first half hour.
If you try to watch “Apocalypse” as a comedy you might enjoy yourself. It’s hard to watch it without laughing. When a movie passes the point of being cheesy you just stop caring. You accept it for what it is, shake your head and bury your face in your hand with a smile. It hurts so good.