O.R.W.: Black Friday massacre

Black Friday!

Any self-respecting person would be fast asleep at these ungodly hours, enjoying their Turkey Day-induced coma, but these are not your typical self-respecting people: these are the Consumer Elite. These are America’s finest, dedicated to preserving our nation’s most important principle: Buy, buy, BUY!

These people are not to be trifled with. They’ve been standing outside since 3 a.m., braving the wind and the dark and the cold. They cluster in packs, jostling in line to get closest to the front doors. And they’ve got one thing on their minds: to get the best deals possible on whatever they can get their hands on, regardless of how many people they have to elbow, trample, maim, eviscerate, hold hostage, etc.

Trembling employees wait on the other side of the locked doors, counting down in dread as opening draws ever closer. The mob outside has begun to chant, like a pack of wolves howling at the scent of an approaching kill. To sate their bloodlust, employees will intermittently toss out cups of hot chocolate, coupons for aloe body wash and goody bags full of useless trinkets, but these beasts of consumerism can only be distracted for so long. They’ve been fed by endless amounts of Black Friday advertisements, promised amazing savings on all their holiday shopping.

“Charge!” they cry as the doors finally swing open, rumbling into the stores and bludgeoning the unfortunate store workers to death. “The sales will be ours!”

Once inside, any semblance of teamwork dissolves and it becomes a no-holds-barred brawl for the greatest deals. Laptops, Xboxes, toaster ovens and comforter pillows fly through the air as elbows swing into faces and knees collide with groins.

Black Friday is all about impulse buying. It’s unavoidable. A veteran BF shopper may storm into Best Buy knowing exactly what he wants, but buoyed by the mob mentality rushing down the aisles and the brightly lit display rooms with their blaring ads, it’s deer in the headlights. “Oh god, look at these deals! Look at these DEALS!”

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“That’s a great price for nail clippers. When am I ever going to find nail clippers this cheap ever again? Never. I need them. I need these nail clippers.”

Even those who are not psychotic, er, dedicated, enough to make the early-morning pilgrimage of line waiting, having decided to sleep in a couple extra hours and tackle the shopping spree fully rested, face their own BF headaches: namely, the Hunt for the Vacant Parking Spot. Parking lots overflow with vehicles, spilling out onto the highways and into McDonald’s drive-throughs. In many cases, people have stacked their cars on top of one another. Late-arriving shoppers are forced to circle the parking lots in ever-growing lines, waiting to pounce on the nearest exiting vehicle with surgical precision.

Those with the most intelligence avoid the massacre altogether and wait for Cyber Monday.