New ‘Duke Nukem’ game a terrible

After 14 years in development hell, “Duke Nukem Forever” is actually in the hands of paying customers. But it is any good? The answer is yes and no; it’s fun, but not good. It’s got the seeds of greatness, but it feels like a half game, and you don’t feel like you get anywhere.

The game starts off with Duke once again getting called into battle against an alien menace. As far as gameplay goes, the best part of “Duke Nukem” is that the world is super interactive.

The camera focuses back off of the screen and shifts to Duke’s perspective, while two Christian singers, the Holsom Twins, are giving him fallacio. Thus the game begins to wander around Duke’s apartment in a Vegas casino.  Here you can pick poop and sling it (yes you read that right), admire yourself in the mirror, flush toilets, etc.

Then the aliens invade and start taking Duke’s women. That’s when stuff is supposed to get good, but it sort of flops. You get shrunk and have to drive an RC car around, (which is actually fun if you crash into an enemy). You end up going to an alien hive, which is a nod to the Alien movies and perversion. This is because when you play the hive levels, there’s topless women screaming for death, and breasts growing on walls…that you can slap. Also, there are enemies called Pregnators that are basically penises on a crab body.

Later on, players find themselves in a strip club called “Duke’s Titty City.” This whole level has the player do a fetch quest for popcorn, a vibrator and a condom. It’s kind of humorous to wander around the digital strip club, just to hear what the patrons say, but after that, the charm is lost.

The shooter mechanics aren’t good either. Developers seemed to focus on the extra padding, and not on the actual game itself; like they had an idea, but didn’t tweak it. “Duke Nukem” is no “Call of Duty,” but the shooter mechanics have to work much better in a game than they do in this release.

“Duke Nukem Forever” is fun, and playable, but not good. The gags are funny if you can connect with your 13 year old self, and have a laugh at some very sexist and gross jokes. The bottom line is that if you enjoy America, apple pie, being 13, and sex, you’ll get something out of the game. Otherwise, it’ll just be offensive without a point.