Can’t stump Trump

Photo by Gage Skidmore
Photo by Gage Skidmore

In my official capacity as just some guy, I’m told that I shouldn’t have deeply held opinions about complex issues that I have no knowledge of. But a man named Donald Trump taught me that shouldn’t stop me from yelling them at people, whether they want to hear it or not.

For those of you who have not glanced at a television in the last year, I would like to let you know that Donald Trump is a Republican hopeful for the President of the United States, and that Caitlyn Jenner has her own reality show. These are both signs that America is becoming great again. Donald Trump became the most qualified man to lead the free world, both during hosting and producing the hit NBC reality show, The Apprentice, for 14 seasons, as well as his illustrious 25-years as the chair of various real estate development firms (of which only four declared bankruptcy!)

I don’t agree with Trump’s entire platform, he’s a little too moderate and populist for some of me or anyone else at my yacht. I will be voting for Trump because I couldn’t identify any other Republican Candidate if I tried. Is a Fiorina an Italian sports car or traditional pasta dish? Does Huckabee Bar and Grill offer half-priced appetizers? Do Bobby Jindal’s kids recognize him when he tucks them in at night?

To begin, Trump is walking this road alone. Unlike his republican peers he is not going to be a paid mouthpiece for corporate interests.

“I’m not using the lobbyists. I’m not using donors. I don’t care. I’m really rich.”

Many American’s feel that politicians on both sides of the aisle are just fed sugar coated positions and policies by their sponsors and donors. The polices and position Trump regularly takes are so poorly thought out, and wildly offensive, that we can be sure no corporation is paying to put words in Trump’s mouth — or if they are, they want a refund.

Armed with nothing but a grassroots base, an ability to draw media attention, and 4.4 Billion dollars in assets, Donald Trump, like David of Yore, stands tall against the Goliath of Big Government, Immigrants, and Unattractive women.

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As opposed to asking for handouts some sort of freedom-hating Nazi communist, Trump instead only asks that his supporters do the most American thing that they know how: buy overpriced things they don’t need with someone’s name on it. With a quick trip to Trump’s Campaign website my daily business-casual outfit of a ‘Female Body Inspector’ T-shirt, jorts, bolo tie and crocs has been finally completed with the purchase of a camouflage ball cap with the slogan ‘Make America Great Again’ proudly emblazed on the top, for the low, low price of $30 — not including shipping and handling.

I should probably go over what ‘Making America Great Again’ means before discussing how Donald Trump is going to do it.

“The fact is, the American Dream is dead –but if I win, I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before,” Trump has said.

It’s no secret America is going to hell in a gender-neutral, fair trade, artisan, small batch hand-basket. Trump’s opponent, and Larry David cosplayer, Bernie Sanders admitted as much in a recent speech: “There is something profoundly wrong when 58 percent of all new income since the Wall Street crash has gone to the top one percent.”

Even a communist can recognize the problem of 32% of our wealth going to those who need it least. Under Trump, America will stop its downward spiral and will, like our national heroes — Rocky, The Terminator, and the McRib — come back.

‘Last time I checked the constitution, it read, “We the people …” not “We the corporations…”’

I consider this a glaring error in an otherwise perfect document. Corporations can’t vote in this country, and women can? Citizen’s United was a strong step in the right direction, but we can’t stop now.

“We need to lower the U.S. corporate tax rate from 39 percent to zero”… “We are the greatest country on planet earth–the world’s companies want to be here. Millions of jobs would materialize.”

Trump is the only candidate to recognize that the exportation of American Industry overseas and the financial crisis are all caused by the same thing: Government getting in the way of business.

Trump is going to greenhouse gasses. Namely all of the hot-air coming from the liberal media about ‘Climate Change’. Burn. Climate change is a myth, much like the tooth fairy, bigfoot, and the female orgasm, and no amount of data, studies, or the complete consensus of all scientists is going make me doubt my gut.

“Obama thinks the biggest threat in the world today is global warming. Okay, can you believe it? Then they change it to ‘climate change,’ cause the word ‘global warming’ wasn’t working. Then they change it to ‘extreme weather.’ You can’t get hurt with ‘extreme weather,’ do you agree? There’s always going to be – ‘There’s a tornado!’ ‘There’s a little cold!’ ‘There’s a wind!’ – there’s always extreme.”

Well said, Mr. Trump. Oh boo hoo! The 102,697 residents of the Republic of Kiribati are worried because their country is no more than three meters above sea level and the sea level is rising. The sea level rises and falls every 12 hours outside of my house and I don’t panic. It’s called the tide, Trump. Whenever I get a little chilly I put on a coat, ever think about some water wings, Kirabati?

In addition, Trump is a strong friend to all races, and more than happy to remind anyone of this fact.

“I have a great relationship with the blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks,” said Trump, demonstrating his mastery of tact and discretion in a 2011 interview. But his finest hour of race relations had yet to come.

“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”

See Jose, Trump believes that at least some of you people are good people! Return to eating tacos and listening to banda music with your mind at peace.

Trump is at his core a social justice warrior, fighting social justice wherever he sees it. Trump isn’t going to censor himself on any issue. Trump doesn’t know the meaning of the word PC, nice, insensitive, tactful, appropriate, defenestrate, or oligarchy. Trump does not own a dictionary.

“I think the big problem this country has is being politically correct. I don’t have time for total political correctness. And to be honest with you, this country doesn’t have time either. This country is in big trouble. We don’t win anymore. We lose to China. We lose to Mexico both in trade and at the border. We lose to everybody.”

Trump doesn’t only love minorities, he also loves women. Where as former republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney reduced the contributions of his female staff into an offhand comment about “binders full of women,” Trump sees every woman as her own beautiful, independent object.

“It’s certainly not groundbreaking news that the early victories by the women on ‘The Apprentice’ were, to a very large extent, dependent on their sex appeal.”

This isn’t just a one-way road ladies, The Donald (as he nicknamed himself in 2004) recognizes that his incredible sex appeal will swing voters his way.

“All of the women on ‘The Apprentice’ flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

When confronted at the first Republican primary debate about disparaging comments he made about fellow Republican candidate Carly Fiorina’s looks, Trump only had to take one look at her to call her beautiful. This proves the old adage that that true beauty doesn’t come from a pretty face or slim figure found on the outside, it comes from media pressure.

I strongly support Trump for his willingness to give his opinion on any topic regardless. Between the ObamaCare fiasco, and the deadlocked congress, and the government we need someone to make decisions without being paralyzed by “partisan politics” or “researching the topic at hand” or “reflecting on it.”

Trump has offered an extended analysis of the fourth amendment, as well as American futures in the Middle East.

“Hey, you believe this goddamn ISIS? Chopping people’s heads off, putting people in cages and drowning ’em. We gotta waterboard ’em, don’t you agree?,” said Trump in an interview with the Rolling Stone earlier this year.

“I would knock out the source of their wealth, the primary sources of their wealth, which is oil,” said Trump. “In order to do that, you would have to put boots on the ground. I would knock the hell out of them, but I’d put a ring around it and I’d take the oil for our country.”

Well, I for one can’t imagine a land invasion of a Middle Eastern country going over budget or time, especially with such an impressive exit strategy.

Honestly I could not think of another candidate. I’ve tried but I don’t even remember the names of the nobodies I used earlier in the article. I flipped through the TV to try to see who this Rand Paul guy is, or if Ben Carson has any ideas about how to fix America, but it’s just Trump — same thing with the newspaper and the internet.

Trump taught me to call it like I see it; so given that all I can see is Donald Trump, I’ve decided to call it now. TRUMP for our 47th and final president.


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