A crash course in Slug culture

It’s recently dawned on me that you humans know just about nothing about the Slug Empire. Sure. I bring it up now and then, but aside from a few snippets of information, I’ve never really talked at length about it. There’s not a whole lot going on that’s worth talking about for me, so while George frets about that “Back to the Future Day” or whatever, I’m going to take that opportunity to tell you what we slugs really are.

To be honest, no one really knows how the Slug Empire began. Many civilizations speculate that the first slug was a biological weapon created by another horrific empire. If that’s the case, it sure backfired spectacularly, didn’t it? Some others believe that we are a plague, sent by the forces-that-be to lay waste to civilizations as a punishment for their sins.

I never knew how we started, and I didn’t need to know. Nobody needs to know. I’m not even sure our queen, the original slug from which we all originated, knows. It’s probably been filed under the category of information that nobody really cares about, alongside “the literature of the octopus people of the Cephaloid system,” or “is PC gaming really better than console gaming?”

We get the job done, and we never question why. I mean, that’s just good work ethic. If you were stuck at a dead-end job, you wouldn’t bemoan or wonder how you got there. You would just get more work done so the customers are happy or satisfied. We’re kind of mature like that.

We are feared throughout the universe as a result of that brutal efficiency. Why should civilizations fear us, though? We never completely destroy any civilization. In fact, we gain knowledge from those civilizations and preserve the information they possess. We’re a flying treasure trove of different cultures, wide open to anyone willing to do whatever work we need them to do.

Often, that work is pretty peaceful and boring in nature, like farming exotic alien foods, or keeping our armada up and running. You don’t have to really fight anyone unless you’re an especially vicious race. Don’t worry, humans — you’re not nearly vicious enough, if George is anything to go by.

As for how we slugs get to those civilizations to enslave them, I’ve talked about it in one of my past commencement articles. It’s a rite of passage for young slugs to go out and explore the universe for new races to enslave. It was just my luck that I landed here, on Earth, atop the loser that I currently call my host.

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After that, we would normally use our incredible telepathic power to send a signal back to mother base to show that we found a new planet to invade. Unfortunately, Earth is so mind-bogglingly far from the armada — thousands of light years, if my calculations are correct — that even at faster-than-light travel, it’ll still take a really long time to get here.

That’s usually the case. The Empire has conquered such a vast reach of space that it takes a while for us to actually find someone new. It’s rather like how young humans have difficulty finding work after graduation because of the mass influx of them is trying to do the same. Space is infinite, but the Empire conquers at such a rate that we’re starting to get a bit too big for our own good.

Even with that said, however, it’s crazy how different you humans seem to me. You’re not the strongest or the smartest (or, at least, George isn’t the strongest or the smartest), but the connection I can share with a human mind is far stronger than the usual species we encounter. Everything syncs up just right. It may be because I’m separated from the hive mind of the rest of my species, but I’m starting to become more human-like in the way I think. It kind of scares me. How is the rest of the Empire going to see me once I return, now that I think more like a human?

Anyway, that’s another thing to worry about for another day. The Empire isn’t going to show up for thousands of years anyway, so there’s no sense fretting about that now. I hope you enjoyed this little crash-course in slug culture and hierarchy. I hope this article survives the thousands of years it’ll take for the Empire to arrive, so that it’s actually useful. Until then…