Valentine’s, and the sexuality of the slug

By Klax Zlubzecon

Translated by George Hyde


Let’s break from discussing culture and entertainment and instead talk about slug biology, shall we?

I mean, it’s certainly the time to do so, with Valentine’s Day in the air and UAA’s Healthy Sexuality Week being in full swing. So let’s give the human race the slug sex talk, the slug’s equivalent of the birds and the bees.
See, when an alien slug loves another alien slug very much — well, they actually don’t. Alien brain slugs are asexual and aromantic.

Bam. That’s the lesson. Hope it enriched your life.

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Okay, fine. I’ll elaborate.

I’ve mentioned it several times, but the slug race is a massive hive mind. We don’t need soul mates or anything like that. We’re all soul mates. We think as one. It’s just more efficient. In fact, as far as I know, I’m the only one that’s off the grid because of my current stint on Earth. I guess that’s what you humans call loneliness. Maybe that’s why you need mates.

Anyway, we’re all born from a single, unknowable life form — a queen slug, if you wanted to use a cliche term — and we have stupidly long life spans. When we die, we’re fed to the queen, and at that point, more larvae are spawned from the remains.

Lovely, isn’t it? Your appetite seems to think so. Well, I guess you would have to be there.

My point is that I’m not that experienced when it comes to romance. George isn’t much better; his first middle school relationship ended almost as quickly as it began, with him getting utterly humiliated in front of his classmates. He’s had a few flings here and there since then, but romance is something he doesn’t really feel like talking about.

But why not? I’m sure you’ve all been there. You’ve all had that experience of being rejected by that one person you were so sure was the one. It’s something that happens to all humans, and conversing about that kind of thing can help enrich your romantic lives and improve future relationships.

Listen to me, Klax Zlubzecon, human love guru in alien brain slug form. Of the many years I’ve spent with George (read: about two), I never thought I’d find myself discussing something like this. But I guess it is Valentine’s season.

Really, I don’t have much else to say in terms of romance. But I still have a few hundred words left, so there must be something about Valentine’s to discuss.

It’s the middle of February, the flu’s going around, dirty snow everywhere …

What about this time of year is romantic, again? If anything, I would have gone with sometime in spring or summer, where everything is springing back to life and looks super pretty — well, maybe not in Anchorage’s case, but still.

In fact, why is it even called Valentine’s Day, anyway? Who is this Valentine? Let’s look it up online.

Let’s see… aha! Good old reliable Wikipedia. (It’s sourced. Don’t complain.)

According to it, the legend goes that a judge, Asterius, after discussing Christianity with the house-arrested St. Valentine, brought his blind, adopted daughter to him. If Valentine could make her see again, Asterius would do anything he asked. Valentine succeeded, and he pretty much asked that Asterius convert to Christianity. After a while, after getting convicted again, Valentine was sent to Roman Emperor Claudius II, where the emperor took quite a liking to him. Valentine made the mistake of trying to convert him too, though, so it was execution for him.

Yeah. Romantic, I know.

Apparently the reason the holiday is even associated with romance is because famed poet Geoffrey Chaucer made the connotation in a poem, and it kind of stuck.

That’s actually pretty anticlimactic. You’d think there would be this amazing, mythological story about how true love conquers all, or something. But nope! It’s a guy who got killed for trying to spread his religion, and another guy who wrote about the day being romantic.

I suppose I’ll throw it in the pile of “holidays whose celebrations have almost nothing to do with their back stories,” along with St. Patrick’s. Being a monster who had no knowledge of human love, I was really looking forward to there being a really cool story behind it.

But then again, I’m just a slug. I guess I’ll never understand.