By Klax Zlubzecon
Translated by George Hyde
Well, the last stretch is upon us again.
This is the fourth time I’ve written about finals, so I’ll keep it brief. Study hard. Remember to sleep. Eat heartily. Remember what your finals schedule looks like.
Being the Commencement edition as well, I suppose I should address the graduating class again as well. Congratulations. You’ve shown the world that you can survive years of studious hell, which hopefully prepared you for real life. All of you will go on to do great things. Make the Slug Empire proud!
This last week has actually been pretty ho-hum for George and I. Finals week snuck up on us really well, and even then, we’re barely reacting to it. All George has left to do is a couple easy GER tests and he’s home free, and the most he’s worried about is his obligations to this paper over the summer. And he worries about that on a regular basis anyway.
In fact, we’re more stressed about the post-semester parties than anything else. One of them involves a viewing of this summer’s greatest hit, “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.” Another one has us fretting about how we’re going to get six Costco pizzas to a room full of anime fans. Yet another is a formal affair for his Japanese Tea Ceremony class, and I’m not exactly a fan of George’s tea-making technique. Even yet another is an awards banquet for the Alaska Press Club, where we’ll be rooting for our fellow Northern Light writers in the running.
And then there’s Commencement itself, where George is passing out papers to graduation-goers. He might have given you this very copy that you’re reading right now. Be sure to thank him on the way out; he’s the fat, long-haired guy in black.
But alas, this will be his last semester passing out papers at Commencement, because his next one will be his last at UAA. George only has a few GERs to knock out before he graduates, and he has grand plans of doing post-production or broadcasting work at one of the local stations afterward, with some blogging and YouTube game reviews on the side. It’s nice that he has ambition.
But what about me? I don’t know what happens after graduation. My entire Earth life has been here on this campus, with only a few vacations to show me what life outside of UAA is like. And seeing as both George and I are burned out from vacationing, it’s unlikely that George or I are really going anywhere this summer aside from maybe a Rush concert in Seattle. Man, what nerds we are.
What is a brain slug to do? The fleet still has many, many years to arrive here, and I won’t have a group of devoted TNL fans at my beck and call for long. I can’t do much heavy lifting or other work without George’s help. I could maybe blog and continue this column that way, but who would read it? George already has a hard time plugging his YouTube game reviews in the paper as it is, so imagine how hard it’d be to mention the new Seawolf Slug (“Anchorage Slug?” I technically wouldn’t be a Seawolf anymore), now in blog form.
I still have about seven months to think about it, but saying that will only make me procrastinate. I’m genuinely nervous about this.
George assures me that I’ll always have a place to stay, though, so that’s sweet of him. We’ll think about the end times when they come. For now, though, expect the column to run at least through the end of the year.
To the graduates walking the stage this semester, I will say this. Don’t be scared like I am. It’s as Sarah Connor accidentally writes in “Terminator 2”: the future is not set. In fact, be excited. Change the future as you see fit. Make the world that the Slug Empire will inevitably invade years from now a better one than it is now. I know it’s possible; you just went through years of studious hell to make it possible. Now make it so!