By Klax Zlubzecon
Translated by George Hyde
I saw a picture on Facebook that summed up my opinions on this whole Ebola thing quite nicely:
“More Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died from Ebola.”
That’s a pretty sad way to look at it, but I don’t think Ebola is going to be a big deal in America as long as we are careful. And from what I’ve seen, America’s a pretty careful country. It may take some persuasion, but I think you humans can handle this.
Diseases aren’t really that dangerous to our empire because A) we’re a hardy folk, and; B) we technically act like a disease. Our invasive hive mind allows many conquered species to focus and create cures for their medical issues. In a sense, our “disease” spreads out and kills other diseases by necessity. We don’t want to enslave a species that can’t do some work, after all.
But really, what is Ebola? Put very simply, it’s a virus that gets in a person’s system through bodily fluids. It sits there for two weeks, and then induces nasty things like vomiting, internal and external bleeding, and eventually, death. Death from this disease is very likely — the disease currently has a 50 percent mortality rate, and there’s no sure treatment yet. It sounds pretty terrifying, and it’s wrecked havoc across West Africa, but here’s the thing.
As far as spreadability goes, Ebola is pretty hard to spread. Our empire has seen much nastier, and while there should be some paranoia about who’s going where and where they’re sneezing, it’s still nothing we can’t solve with a little carefulness.
For example — and this is just an example — if we applied our current precautions against airborne terrorism to Ebola, that would lock down the disease for long enough to let it run its course and not really affect anybody else. I’m not saying that airport security isn’t invasive enough — they really need to tone it down in some respects — but this is a chance for the TSA to actually do some good.
Then we’d need to begin testing for the virus. We’ll need to get the word out that if anyone has ever been in the same square mile as any Ebola victim, he or she needs to get tested immediately. If the person tests positive, keep them in isolation and try some experimental treatment.
If the virus runs through the victim’s body without causing death, he or she is not done yet. Keep the subject isolated for however long the virus remains in their body, which is usually two weeks. Keep close tabs on the subject until it’s certain that they won’t pose a threat to others.
As I mentioned before: More Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died from Ebola — and we can keep it that way if we’re careful! Hell, several airports across the country have already started screening passengers from West Africa for the virus, and the Department of Homeland Security has jumped on board, too.
America is ready for this virus, and I’m somewhat confident that you guys have this under control, at least here in this country. Just remember the all-important line from Douglas Adams — a line that I promise will land in handbooks and propaganda when the empire arrives here — “don’t panic.”
News networks all across the country are crapping their pants in fear whenever someone in the United States even has the possibility of contracting Ebola. Whenever someone new comes down with it, it instantly becomes a trending topic on most of the social networks. And yes, that news deserves to be reported and shared. But I think we may be a bit too paranoid about Ebola.
The precautions I just laid out are not that hard to implement. I may be underestimating human error here, but as long as we’re at least a little cautious about it, we can fight this off pretty easily. Next will come the daunting task of helping out in other countries that are affected by this plague, because leaving it sitting around to mutate and evolve in West Africa isn’t a good idea. But as for how we’ll do that, well … I think current medicinal science may need to pick up the pace a bit. That’s a far more difficult task, and I’m afraid I don’t have any concrete ideas at the moment.
Our empire wants a nice healthy species, so we believe in you!
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. EMBRACE THE SEAWOLF SLUG.