SatS: 155 miles; but a world away

Brown cardboard boxes and blue plastic tubs fill the space on my boyfriend’s floor as he prepares himself for the next step in life.

It was another Friday in the office and I had just received the text announcing that my other half had gotten the job in Kenai Alaska. I reacted differently than I would have ever thought.

I felt a rush of emotion as tears began to fill my eyes.

I was happy that after several months of applying for jobs he was finally able to obtain a job and in his field of choice.

Along with the intense emotion of joy for him, I felt fear, sadness, anger and when I started to identify the various emotions running through my body I began to feel more than anything else a sense of selfishness.

How could I cry? How could I feel angry? How could I, even for a split second, wish that he never got the job?

So here we are now, several days later trying to cope with the fact that the person I love will now resides 155 miles away from me.

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It does seem rather insignificant, 155 miles but to me it feels like a world away. After many tears were shed we came to the conclusion that we would try our hand at a long distance relationship.

Three little words never seemed so scary until I realized that I would have to experience multiple challenges that come with the circumstance.

After leaving work that Friday I climbed into my Stratus, put the keys in the ignition and began to drive away. Ironically the first song that came on my iPod was Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battle Field”.

“Do I stand in your way or am I the best thing you ever had? Believe me; believe me, I can’t tell you why. But I am trapped to your love and chained to your side.”

Can we say cheesy?

Non-the less a flood of tears came over my eyes. Quickly I called my mother and began to sob, telling her my woes. Luckily she was at my grandmother’s house, a quick stop on the way to my man’s house.

I needed to pull myself together. After arriving at my grandma’s, my mom wrapped me in a hug that radiates the kind of love and support only a mother can give. We talked for several minutes while I gained my composure and once again I headed to the gray house I have become so fond of walking into.

Unfortunately, once I arrived my water works came back but it turns out his had already been running. I still felt incredibly selfish. I wanted, so badly, to ask him to stay, to tell him not to leave but deep down I know that this is just a part of life.

 

I know that if I truly love him I should be supporting his success.

I guess you could say I want the best of both worlds. I want him to be successful and happy and achieve his goals but I want do be right there next to him the entire time, watching it happen, being a part of the action. Doing more than looking through the window.

Maybe I have a young innocence about the way I see the world and romance. You could call it a fairy tale way of believing, but until now I never fully understood how brutally reality bashes a fairy tale.