ORW: HA! Understanding Women

POW! Graphic by Vicente Capala

Men don’t understand women.

There are a lot more differences between men and women than just breasts, buttocks, childbearing hips, monthly tantrums (women blame it on “periods,” but I have a theory it’s just an excuse to throw regular fits over food messes and the toilet seat being left up), attire and giant footwear collections.

Women have different brains than men. Not to sound sexist, because soon I’ll be bashing on both sides of the gender gap, but women are constant schemers. Endlessly plotting. A woman could be having a wonderful date with the sweetest, sincerest guy ever, and throughout the entire dinner she’d be planning the various ways she’d go about mauling him should he ever forget to hold the door open for her.

In addition, women have the ability to make men feel guilty in any situation—no matter where the blame may ultimately lie. They understand they hold a large amount of power sway in the relationship, and will use this to their advantage.

Take this situation, for example:

Female: “You broke my favorite lamp!”

Male: “It was an accident! I didn’t mean to!”

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Female: “I can’t believe you did this.”

Male: (ashamed) “I’m sorry.”

And now the reverse:

Male: “You lost my dog?!”

Female: “It was an accident! I didn’t mean to!” (Translation: “The stupid thing kept slobbering on the floor. I did what needed to be done.”)

Male: “I can’t believe you did this.”

Female: “I already feel bad about it! Stop making me feel worse!”

Male: (ashamed) “I’m sorry.”

Men just don’t stand a chance when it comes to keeping up with women’s convoluted conversation tactics. Females, we’re not the greatest at picking out all your subtle hints. Little battings of the eyelids or quick pursings of the mouth (by the way, duck lip Facebook pictures are not hot at all) don’t mean the same things to us as they do to you—we generally assume you’ve got some sort of facial twitch.

Ladies, there’s something you need to know: men’s eyes are mostly just built for looking.

Not every glance we throw your way has some sort of secret meaning behind it—sometimes we’re just LOOKING AT YOU. Can we be allowed the occasional blank stare? To be honest, usually we’re just trying to reestablish what you look like, so we don’t lose you in crowds and at the mall and such. And that way, when we take you out on dates, we know we’re being romantic to the right person. See?

Being romantic in the first place is a tough job for most guys. We arrange the dates, pick out the restaurants, search for the best scenic make out spots…it’s a tough job. And girls get to sit back and let this planning happen—and if they’re not fully entertained by the evening, they reserve the right to get pissed.

Then comes the further burden of picking out flowers. To our horror, men have found out there are different shades of roses, and different meanings associated with each color, all meant to express multiple forms of attraction to the woman being given said rose.

Purple has a love at first sight connotation, full of longing and desire. Pink have a more flirty, lighthearted connotation, a sweet little gesture. Dark red roses are the ultimate sign of commitment.

“Wait!” cries the man upon handing his significant other this rose in a manner he hoped would gain him a couple affection points and pay off later that night. “I’m not ready for that level of commitment! I thought I was just giving you a flower!”

The man was lucky he even picked out a rose to begin with. Most of us don’t know the difference between a rose and a petunia—if it’s got a stem and some petals in a pretty color, it must be girl-worthy.

And that’s just one more of those misunderstandings.