Orange Rhymes With … May 31

The Many Relationship Stages with Your Significant Other

In the jam-packed, confusing, hectic world in which we live, crammed full of deadlines, responsibilities, and Celebrity Apprentice, we too often insist on complicating our lives even further- with that lovely little thing known as relationships.

We covet interaction with the opposite sex (or same sex, however your boat floats), to the point of getting down on our knees and begging for it—even though more often than not, it is the bane of our existence. This longing for companionship has been an ongoing and timeless process, ever since the first caveman hit his cavewoman over the head with a club and said, “You. Me. Cave. Now.” Alternately sweet and sour, relationships either shape and define us, providing us with a path toward maturity; or break us down and send us completely bat-shit crazy.  Sometimes both.

Whether it be playground love, fledging OMG high school romance, bold moving-in-together endeavors or matrimonial harmony, every relationship has its stages. Some are delightful, others frustrate the hell out of us and require a lot of confidence boosting from friends. Through the ups and the downs, the flowers and the cards, the fights and the makeup sex, they all center around one mysterious and crazy thing no one can ever get enough of.


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Here, to make your life a little simpler and less cluttered (and to make more time for Celebrity Apprentice), are the different relationship stages to be had with your significant other, broken down and labeled for ease of understanding. Not all may occur in the course of one relationship—pray that they don’t—but are universally accepted as the basis for every interaction between prowling individuals.

Not Interested
A total downer, but that’s life sometimes. Egos were meant to suffer. Usually accompanied by the I’ve never seen you before in my life look, and lots of “thanks, but no thanks.” Hardly any progress can be made at this stage; rejection is imminent. Usually the best play to make here is to stop trying.

Playing Hard-to-Get
Also a frustrating stage, but perseverance can be rewarded. The challenge to prove your worth is on, with the vague hint of a payoff at the end of the rainbow. However, there’s a fine line between being stubbornly persistent and being a complete idiot. Don’t cross it, creep.

Long Distance Relationship
You’ve got something started here, but now you have to play the commitment battle. It’s all about trust and faith, buddy. Prepare to endure long absences from your significant other, and lots and lots of Skype. It can be a tough and lonely stage, but whenever the two of you finally meet up—woof. Think “Going the Distance” for inspiration. But also, prepare to lose.

Utter, Heavenly Bliss
You’ve reached Cloud Nine. Everything is perfect and how it should be; exactly what you always dreamed of. You may look like lovesick dips to everyone else, but for the pair of you—welcome to Nirvana.

Things get really touchy-kissy here. Constant handholding and lots of mushy baby talk become the norm, and you’re suddenly attached at the hip. A good stage if you love huge amounts of affection heaped upon you—and a fair share of guess-who, snoogums—but a bad one if you appreciate having even an ounce of personal space.

They have to know what you’re doing, every hour of every day. This includes notification of bathroom visits. If not, prepare for pages-long angry text rants and extended periods of poutiness. It’s like PMS—but nonstop.

Total Stalker
They’re outside your window, at your every turn, leaving little notes everywhere—compulsively waiting. At this stage, it’s best to check under your bed before going to sleep.

Oh God, They’ve Got a Knife!
This one’s pretty self-explanatory; you’re now in a Hitchcock movie. Never take a shower.


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