O.R.W.: Crazy 2012 Presidential Candidates

With election season not too far off, we’ve already seen our first wave of publicity stunts and mudslinging politicians, more of which are sure to come. With the all-too-soon departure of the loudmouthed, birth certificate wielding, helmet hair-domed mogul Donald Trump, the selection of presidential candidates for 2012 has just become much more dull. There’s really nothing there (yet) to replace him and make those presidential debates even worth watching. What’s America to do?

Here, for your consideration, are several potential candidates who would get the 2012 presidential race back on track and make it entertaining once again. These individuals have yet to announce their intention to run, but it could only be a matter of time.

 

Charlie Sheen

What would American culture be like without a little dose of crazy? For one, we wouldn’t have the tantrums of Snooki and her brain-baked Jersey crew to entertain ourselves with each week, and for another, we may have never made it to the moon. So why not send crazy to the White House for four years, complete with tiger blood and Adonis DNA?

The 2008 presidential race was all about mixing it up; female candidates, mavericks and the very first black president.-But in 2012, Charlie Sheen could bring the biggest wallop of change yet- as the very first warlock president.

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The media would have a heyday with his speeches, the public would marvel over his insanely drug-free state (maybe) and Two and a Half Men’s ratings—even with Sheen long gone, and Michael Kelso, er, Ashton Kutcher, in his place— would shoot straight into space. A win-win-win!

Most promising of all, Sheen possibly wouldn’t even need voters to get into office— he could just use his tried-and-true method of “[closing] my eyes and [making] it so with the power of my mind.” He would be a totally bitchin’ rock star president from Mars, with his two First Goddesses along for the ride.

Duh. Winning.

 

The Old Spice Guy

His real name is Isaiah Mustafa, but as cool as that sounds, he’d only need to run as ‘The Man Your Man Could Smell Like,’ to attract the hordes of lady voters craving a candidate with a stunningly fresh scent. His deep, confident voice and amazing musculature would outpace the other candidates and his ability to rapidly jump from place to place would be a valuable skill on the campaign trail. His campaign slogan would be absolutely unbeatable:

“Look at me. Look at the other candidates. Now back to me. Now back at the other candidates. Now back to me. Sadly, they aren’t me. I’m on a horse. And I approve this message.”

Cue the jingle.

America has been long overdue for a president with several years’ experience in male grooming product commercials. The Old Spice Guy would be, without a doubt, the best-smelling presidential candidate ever elected, black or white.

 

Lady Gaga

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a man or a woman? No! It’s  Gaga, pop music superstar, running for president in 2012! Armed with a microphone, a costume made entirely out of bubbles, slabs of meat, Kermit the Frog heads, and a voice powerful enough to start up all sorts of bad romances, Gaga would be a platinum-selling step above her opposing candidates.

Eager fans would hound her campaign trail just to see how many costume changes she could pull off in a single speech. The LGBT population would unite behind her. And her campaign ads would be one of a kind, judging from some of her more recent music video offerings.

Gaga’s got the makings of a president too: she knows all about humble beginnings. Once upon a time, she was known only as Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, forced to live the unglamorous life of performing in grungy bars and nightclubs, until finally being discovered and rocketing to fortune and fame (and gender-confusing fashion choices.) She knows how to stay grounded.

Isn’t that after all the only important requirement toward leading a nation?

A nation of little monsters, that is. All we gotta do is put our paws up.

 

Oprah Winfrey

Oprah would just have to promise every voter a Cadillac, and she’d be golden. And the fact that she’s black and a woman? That would blow people’s minds.

 

In the swarm of same-ol’, seen-it-all-before Republicrats once again running for office, these candidates would be a staggering breath of fresh air. Just imagine, for a moment if you will, any of these individuals being elected president— the press coverage for the inaugural speech alone would make William and Kate’s royal wedding look like a ten second TV spot.

Here’s with fingers crossed and hopes high.