One-sided connection does not always pave the way for a healthy relationship

Just last week I was feeling bitter about dating and about men. After a few months of dating different fellas, I felt like none of them would stick around or mature into something more permanent. I was frustrated and somewhat confused. The guys I was hanging out with were all intelligent, attractive and there was some amount of chemistry with all of them, but something was missing.

The spark, which I believe in, was missing. Sure, with one or two of them there was intellectual conversation and good times, and with others it was purely physical, but there wasn’t a connection with any of them. This suggested to me that my search was nowhere near over. Fed up and distressed, I quit looking for anything. Just one week later, the words of wisdom so many have figuratively shoved down my throat over the past twenty years proved to be true. It’s when you stop looking that you find someone worth your while; or, that’s what I thought was happening.

I signed online one night to get my before-bed Facebook fix and noticed a friend of mine who I had crushed on for years and had lost contact with had added me and was online, so we started talking. What started out as catch-up became a surprising connection.

Sparks flew as we spent hours on Facebook pulling apart each other’s brains and sharing intimate thoughts and writing, a hobby we both share. We each acknowledged we felt something and that it was quite frightening after just one night of being reunited. I was excited and couldn’t keep my heart from racing.

My feelings were being reciprocated and the connection I felt was not one-sided. This is a rare thing and I thought that because I’d finally found a connection so strong, everything would work its way out – we would start dating and live happily ever after. That’s when reality broke my stride and proved me wrong. Things just aren’t that simple.

This guy eventually reminded me that he was still in a relationship, though the relationship was dysfunctional and doomed. He also informed me that he’d be moving this summer to the lower 48. Though he felt something and wanted to continue speaking, he didn’t want to hang out or take it any further than being friends.

I felt alone and frustrated. I wanted things to be as simple as the movies, where a spark is all that matters and all the problems and troubles fade away to a happy ending. This isn’t how things work in the real world.

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I thought I was alone. Connection and the spark have been the number one element on my checklist in recent months. I hadn’t found either with anyone in so long that as soon as it came around, I expected it to be everything I’d hoped for. It wasn’t and I was let down.

I soon realized that I was not alone here and that the situation is a common one.

The next day, I ran into a former coworker who seemed down. Her story, briefly summarized, was that she had met a guy at a party through a mutual friend. The two of them hit it off and ended up spending the night together. They spent that night and the following day swapping thoughts and stories. She proclaimed that the connection was clearly there and they had both acknowledged it. What went wrong?

Upon leaving, they swapped numbers and she said he seemed eager to call. He didn’t – not the next day, not a week later, not at all. She was upset and repeatedly told me that she could not understand why the connection wasn’t enough for a phone call. I had no answer seeing as I was going through the almost exact same situation.

The only conclusion I could come to was this: though connection is typically the most difficult thing to find in a mate, it’s often not enough when circumstance and situation are untimely and real life butts in. We can’t all live in the movies and happy endings aren’t always immediate or part of the plans.