O.R.W: The best ways to get your summer kicks, bruises

The majestic goat whips its head free from the surface of the lake with sinuous strength, long wet strands of chin hair slapping against its jaw. Moments ago it was drowning, but with a single surge it bursts free from its watery prison with all the grace of a…well, of a desperate goat.

Duncan clings to its slick back for dear life, gasping for breath and wishing he had reconsidered clambering on the goat’s back and urging it into the lake. This one isn’t as good of a swimmer as he hoped.

The recreational activity of goat surfing has yet to reach the popularity of a mainstream sport, but it has attracted a small group of hardcore enthusiasts looking for the next extreme way to liven up their summer. It’s a tricky thing to master, but once you find a goat with the right buoyancy and aerodynamics, riding along its back across the choppy waters of any freshwater lake can be one of the most exhilarating things in the world.

Okay, let’s get serious here. Goat surfing doesn’t exist. But with the bright promise of summer fully upon us, and the relentless desire to get out and do something creeping up our calves, it’s time to begin searching for the next big summer activity to fulfill our outdoor cravings.

No one’s saying this activity has to be smart—goat surfing definitely isn’t, and neither is straddling a trashcan being pulled by a four-wheeler down a gravel road, which has been attempted. Brain cells aren’t necessary. It just has to be physically active, stimulating enough to justify abandoning the TV, and involving a certain amount of inherent danger. And besides, with all these shows featuring eager idiots repeatedly wiping themselves out through ridiculous stunts, aren’t you inspired to go out and try it for yourself?

To help you get started with your summer hijinks, I have searched high and low to bring you one of the best adrenaline pumping activities around, right behind goat surfing. This one, however, has been tried and true by real thrill seekers, so you’re certain to get your kicks for the summer. High on crazy and low on smarts, it’s known as:

Tree Launching

- Advertisement -

Picture the scene: you and a friend are out in the middle of a lovely forest, surrounded on all sides by towering pine trees. Now, you could just climb these trees and have a little monkey fun, but that’s no way to get a real adrenaline junkie fix. Don’t be lame. Instead, if you’re the heaviest of the pair, clamber your way to the very top of one of these and begin throwing your weight back and forth, enough to overbalance the tree and let you straddle this baby all the way to the ground. It’s important not to let go during the ride, and if you’re a male, careful where you situate your tender parts.

Now comes the fun part! As you come creaking to the forest floor, your friend grabs hold of the tree and—blatantly ignoring every inch of common sense in his body—gives the command for you to jump off. There’s a brief second where gravity tries to sort out whether you guys are intentionally being this stupid, and then it’s sayonara señor, as your friend is launched up, up and away, dizzyingly ascending to join the treetops for a little while like Tarzan on crack. It’s important for your friend not to let go either, as flying off and impaling oneself on another tree tends to ruin the fun.

Now, you could grab your friend’s ankles as the tree bends back down again and help him get off, but you’d much rather laugh at his misfortune, pronounce him SOL, and make him climb down himself. That way, there’s even more potential for him to fall off. And then, of course, it’s time to do it again!

Sounds hazardous? Well duh, how else are you going to have fun?

“Those trees can shoot you up there pretty high—it’s great,” said Jerry Sommers, from Salmon, ID, who has attempted the stunt several times. “Things can get interesting if the branches break off while you’re on your way up, though.”

Oh boy, huh? Well you just wait until the winter edition, when I tell you all about ice-lake wind tarping. Out-of-control fun transcends the seasons!

So what are you waiting for? Put this paper down, rush outside, and go break a few bones in the true spirit of summer fun! If you don’t have a little voice in the back of your head saying, “Should we really be doing this?” then you’re not doing things right. It’s Jack Ass time, baby. Let the internal bleeding begin!

Note: In case you hadn’t picked up on the sarcasm, neither The Northern Light nor Orange Rhymes With endorse you attempting any of these stunts. We prefer our readers to be of sound state in body and mind, as opposed to having missing limbs and fractured craniums. Thank you.