The Northern Light

Issue date: 7/25/06 Section: Opinion

"Curtis, I'm happy you could make it tonight. There's so much we should talk about."

"You're happy? Wow! I'm amazed you consented to this date with me, Renee!"

"Eww. I mean, 'Oooh.' Sorry. Could we maybe not use the 'date' word in this context anymore? It makes me feel a little - funny inside."

"Oh, um, sure. Hey, I feel kinda funny, too. I mean, we're so different. You're so pretty, but also smart. You even like alternative movies. But you've got so many friends, even in statistics class. You're always talking and having a blast. I thought, 'What are the chances she'd ever go out with me.' And then I thought, 'Hey, you only live once. Why not just give it a shot?' And, well, then here we are."

"Eww. Er, I mean - Hey, Curtis, could we also avoid using the words 'here' and 'we' in the same sentence?"

"Sure. You seem upset."

"Oh, jeeze. I never wanted to do this in the first place. Look, I'm just going to read the thesis statement."

"Thesis statement? Hey, what's that big stack of papers your taking out of your purse?"

"Here goes. Ahem. 'From: fellow members of advanced statistics class. To: Curtis Wilkins. It has come to our attention that during the previous two academic semesters you have hit on - or "asked out" - no fewer than six (6) female classmates of moderate-to-extreme levels of attractiveness. While a certain degree of 'above-the-league dating errors,' (as defined by Henderson-Hyallbach, 2002) is to be expected, we as a class hypothesized that your flirtation behaviors described above suggest a total unawareness of your prohibitive traits of idiosyncrasy, unattractiveness and just-plain geekiness (as measured by the Kerngolld scale, 2004) sufficient to prove you have no idea what you're doing. Therefore, we decided to 'kill two birds with one stone' by turning our year-end statistics project into a thorough analysis of the reasons why, in your case, positive romantic results are statistically ruled out.'"

"Um, pardon?"

"It says you don't stand a chance in Hell, Curt."

 "Oh."

"But don't take my word for it. All I can tell you is my own opinion of you, which is that you're a nice guy but sort of a loser. But in this report we've gathered data from your best friends, girls you've asked out in other classes, and even people you knew in high school, and we did a bunch of chi-squares, heterodasticity analyses and Poisson distributions that proved our theory beyond any shred of doubt."

"Oh."

"And we arranged it all in this easy-to-read format with over 700 footnotes and 94 graphically striking charts and diagrams. Here, check it out."

Flip, flip.

"Gee, Renee. You used a lot of different colors on these dot-plots."

"We did Curtis, and that's because your unattractiveness is a complex, multi-faceted issue that has to be studied in a richly textured and nuanced way. And also because we wanted to get a nice eval from Professor Tompkins. But most of all, we did it because we care."

"You do?"

"Of course! Sure, you wear funny colored t-shirts and sit with your arms folded funny and are about 37 pounds overweight. But you're always saying funny stuff in class that cheer us up."

"Oh, gee. Thanks."

"We all think you're kind of cool, Curtis, in your own way. It's just that, as we've proven categorically in this thesis project, the infrastructure of the college-dating scene just basically follows patterns established in high school. Sure, as folks mature and explore new fields of knowledge their taste invariably gets more sophisticated, resulting in the fact that certain classes of losers are able to achieve amorous success with only mildly-flawed attractive people. But this requires the presence of what's called the Neyman College Changeover Threshold Constant, which, I think you'll agree after reading this report, you just don't have."

"Oh. Man. This is just a lot to have to take in at once, Renee."

"Sure it is, Curt, but look on the bright side. Our figures also demonstrate that, with a little sprucing up you have a nearly 30 percent chance of forming a supportive platonic relationship with a mildly-to-moderately attractive female with poor cosmetics skills and 'difficult' hair, as long as you follow strict guidelines of never demonstrating your attraction."

"Oh."

"Plus, of course, shave more often, go on the Atkins diet, avoid snorting when you laugh, stop reading science-fiction novels during class breaks, never tell that joke about Darth Vader and, oh, yes! This is the most important thing."

"What's that?"

"Start developing some self-confidence. Nothing turns girls off like a guy who's insecure."

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