With Valentine’s Day right around the
corner, it’s probably as good a time as any to
discuss the longest and most frustrating, love/
hate relationship I’ve ever involved myself in:
When I was just a young boy growing
up in rural Alaska, my scope on life was
narrow. I was concerned only with life’s
simple pleasures such as Legos, Ninja
Turtles, sledding, fi shing and riding bicycles.
Eventually, however, there came a time in my
life when what I considered pleasure changed
As I grew older, I began to experience
new and complex feelings. Politics, who I
had barely noticed before, was suddenly fi rst
and foremost on my mind. I began to really
take notice of him and his sly smile. The next
thing I knew, Politics asked me to read his
lips, and I could only gaze at him in wonder
as he told me about his vision of our future,
and its thousand points of light.
I was smitten. After we started going
steady, Politics really made me feel special.
Who would want a puppy when you could get
a re-unifi ed Germany instead? It made me
feel safe. After I’d been so scared of the Soviet
Union for so very many years, I suddenly had
nothing to worry about.
Pretty soon though, the honeymoon was
over. Politics started sneaking around and
breaking promises. I felt betrayed.
“Why did I bother supporting you, if you
were just going to do whatever you wanted
anyway?” I would ask. I wondered why we
had such different ideas about what “no new
taxes” really meant.
Soon, Politics began choosing his friends
over me. I remember after his affair with
Ollie North, Politics promised that Ollie and
the whole Iran-Contra gang would get what
they deserved, but he just went back when I
wasn’t looking and bailed his buddies out.
Politics has always been bad with my
money too. He would spend it as quickly as I
made it, and he was always asking for more,
even when he spent it irresponsibly. The
Savings & Loan Crisis that he let happen
really caused us some hard times. $160 billion
sounded like an awful lot for a bank bailout,
but he promised it would never happen again.
Eventually, it seemed like things got better
between Politics and I. Politics started talking
sweet to me again, telling me that he could
feel my pain. I fell for his charming smile all
But Politics still found new ways to betray
me. Yet again, we were failing to see eye-toeye,
as he promised me that he did not have
sexual relations with that woman. I believed
him, too, but it turned out to be another
question of defi nition. Honestly, I couldn’t
believe the things that Politics didn’t consider
to be sexual relations.
Anyway, after the brief rekindling of our
fl ame, Politics’ relapse took him to deeper
depths than ever. It seemed like every time I
turned around, I caught him cheating or lying.
To make matters worse, Politics was picking
fi ghts with everyone, and the next thing I
knew, all our old friends were looking down
And all this time I thought Politics had
been keeping up with the bills. But then
irresponsible practices almost bankrupt
us. This time he wanted $700 billion, and
climbing. “Don’t worry,” Politics tells me,
“I’m good for it!”
Still, through all our ups and downs, I’ve
stuck it out with Politics. Every time I fi nd
myself disgusted by his actions, he does
something redeeming, and I end up smiling,
and thinking of all the good times.
Even though he’s pretty much spent all our
money, and pissed off all our friends, we’re
all willing to give Politics another chance.
Especially me. I see those big pearly whites
when he smiles and I can’t help but remember
when our relationship was fresh and new.
What can I say; I’m a sucker for his charms.
So, of course I’ll forgive you, Politics. It’s
Valentines, and I love you. I always have. Just
please don’t hurt me again, because everyone
is counting on you and this new leaf you claim
Besides, if all else fails and you simply
return to your old ways, I know we can always
count on you for a good laugh.
With Valentine’s Day right around the