By Klax Zlubzecon
Translated by George Hyde
So the mayoral race happened here in Anchorage. An issue so important, we published in-depth interviews with almost every candidate at the last minute. That was TNL’s bad. We apologize.
As much as George disagrees with his policies, my money was on Dan Coffey. He made a huge campaign push this election, and he’s popular with a lot of people here in town. Plus, he’s a real nice guy. I should know. George interviewed the guy last issue.
Instead, the big Republican star this year was Amy “Veto ANY Homosexual Ordinances” Demboski, which, in this day and age, kind of shocks me. Amy, you and I need to have a serious heart-to-heart.
The first time George and I had heard of you was with that advertisement, and that was a terrible first impression. Hating on the LGBTQ community is so passe now. And besides, it’s inefficient! You’re throwing LGBTQ votes away to the other side!
We slugs are inclusive. Gay, straight, male, female, gender-queer, we accept anyone into our grand regime. Whatever your gender or sexual identity is, we accept anyone who’s willing to work and/or slave for the Empire. The last thing we want to do is shut those potential workers out, forcing them to work for another, competing empire, which we would crush in an instant.
Don’t do that to your voters, Demboski. My host disagrees with your fiscal policies, but if you were a bit more inclusive, you’d have more people supporting those policies. “LGBTQ” and “Republican” shouldn’t be exclusive to each other.
And another thing! Show up to debates! You’ve neglected to show up to official debates with your competing candidate, Ethan “Rugby Scrum” Berkowitz. (Seriously, what a weird metaphor.) It’s because you have duties to Anchorage in the Assembly, and that’s understandable, but the potential voters are getting the impression that it’s because you don’t want to associate with groups you disagree with. It’s a silly impression, but when Berkowitz shows up to debates and you don’t, it sends that message. People will see you as a coward.
That’s not the Republican spirit! Face Berkowitz and prove him wrong! To stay home and not talk to him is cowardice, and your voters will see that and judge you for that. And that’s the last thing you want.
I hear that you want to use this mayoral race for bigger ambitions. The gubernatorial seat! The senate! Who knows what’s next for Amy Demboski?
Well, if you abandon debates and continue to ramble against inclusivity, then I know what’s next. It’s not finding enough votes to do what you need to. Alaskans will remember this. Twenty years from now, when LGBTQ members are considered normal members of society – I say this even though they are largely considered so now – you will be remembered as a bigot, a coward, and someone who doesn’t have the guts for whatever your ultimate ambitions are.
I understand. You’re busy in the Municipal Assembly. That’s fine. Noble, even. But you’re running for one of the most important seats in the state! It’s great that you’re keeping your focus here in the Municipality, locally, but you’re sending the message that you don’t want this. And that’s sad.
Because beneath the “No Homosexual Ordinances” and “Not showing up to debate with Berkowitz” is someone who has drive; someone who I know has the guts for this job. George and I totally disagree with your fiscal policies, so he’ll be supporting Berkowitz anyway. But I know many, many people who’d rather you be at the fiscal helm of Anchorage instead of Berkowitz, and they’d have to vote for Berkowitz anyway because your “family-oriented” policies would keep them from loving who they choose, or expressing who they truly are. Because they couldn’t see you address them personally in a debate.
As it is now, George and I would never vote for you in a million years. But you can change that. You can be the candidate that conservative Anchorage wants, if you were willing to bend to your constituents. That’s how a true human would do things.
And one last thing, Amy. Regardless of where you are in twenty years, I want you to pass something on to the next generation. A message that will live on for thousands of years. And that message is…
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. EMBRACE THE SEAWOLF SLUG