Klax Zlubzecon’s commencement speech


Think of all the commencement speeches that begin with the word “wow.”

It’s as much of a cliché to make fun of it as it is to actually begin the speech with “wow.” I just wanted to point it out, though. Ten galactic credits says that the actual commencement speaker is going to say it, too.

It’s worth saying, though. It’s a cliché for a reason. After four or five years of hard work and dedication — or more — you guys finally made it. I haven’t made it, since I’m technically a brain slug and not a student, but WOW! You made it!

You, the graduating class of fall 2015, made it through snow, ice, late classes, lack of sleep, lack of food and a lack of money to get here. We at the Slug Empire would be proud of your determination and grit. You’ve learned some skills that will last you a lifetime, along with some other skills that you’ve more or less forgotten over breaks. Who cares, though? You made it!

At a young age, Slug larvae are sent from the Empire to explore the galaxy and find new, habitable worlds to enslave, and you will largely do the same. You will discover new frontiers and conquer them as ruthlessly as we do. Hopefully you’ll be a little less scary than us in the process, but with enough determination, you can vanquish even the most demanding of future challenges.

Okay. I may not be the most qualified being to say all of this. I haven’t conquered this planet yet. I haven’t even completely conquered the human who’s typing this for me, as evidenced by the fact that he keeps dragging me to graduations, sports games, singles nights and other weird stuff.

Everything I’ve said in this “speech” so far is all fluff, with the exception of that bet I made at the beginning. That still stands open. I am still an alien brain slug, though, which means that I can at least give you some genuine alien advice that I know those other commencement speakers can’t give.

Space is massive. Even our magnificent slug brains can’t comprehend just how huge the universe is. Most of it is inhospitable towards any life. However, I can guarantee you that in that barren wasteland, you can always find place to call home.

The second you wake up tomorrow, you’re going to find yourself in a similarly foreign landscape. You may be lucky and find a fruitful job, and you might not. Your quest for success could last days, and it could also last decades. Perhaps your unquenchable thirst for conquest and unlimited power will last you your entire lifetime. Perhaps you’ll simply be satisfied doing what you love. I don’t know what you seek in this universe. However, I can guarantee you that if you are determined to find it, you probably will.

This galaxy is a peculiar thing. For as vast and as barren as it usually is, there’s usually some group or civilization you can call home, including my own glorious Empire, for whatever that may be worth to you. You can always wander the galaxy alone if you choose, but you never have to go it alone. There’s always some person or some group that can help you, even if it’s just a pack of bounty hunters.

From this point on, you can do whatever you want, and you can do it with as many people as you want. You will have to be aware of the challenges you face if you want to face them, because they will be there. You are college students, however. You have determination beyond compare. If you’ve made it this far, you’ve proven to the rest of the world that you’re willing to put yourself through hell to accomplish your dreams.

Now that you’ve proven that, all that’s left to do is to actually do it. It may be hell all over again, and it may not. But know that wherever you go in the world, you will always find a place you belong, even if it’s just back here at UAA.

The entire galaxy is now at your feet. Now go! Let your intergalactic legend come to life!


Written by George Hyde

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