How to get the most out of your fashion bump

It’s rare that a fashion trend comes along that stays for more than a single season, but for all you girls out there anxious to sport a flirty new spring or summer look, you need search no further than the covers of every celebrity magazine on the planet.

The latest Hollywood beauty breakthrough is the cure-all for every flaw and self-image obsession imaginable.

Flat, lifeless hair? Angelina Jolie’s secret weapon restored her luster and bounce.

Breasts too small? Don’t have surgery. Gwynneth Paltrow knows how to fill her bustier the natural way.

Career on the crapper? Follow Oscar-winner Rachel Weisz’s example.

Skin problems? Bring back that youthful glow the way Gwen Stafani did.

Star Magazine, “Entertainment Tonight” and People Magazine all refer to it as “the bump,” and since Britney first started sporting hers last year, it’s been the hottest thing going. The shabby-chic trend has brought new life to this once working-class favorite, freeing it from the grubby clutches of the bohemian thrift-store set.

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Here’s how the procedure works: First, become impregnated. This can be done by anyone so don’t fuss too much about who you choose for this procedure. After-all, it’s not like you’re picking a plastic surgeon!

Second, enjoy all the attention and popularity you can handle for the next nine months.

Here are some tips to help you make sure you get the most out of your bump.


Bumps require more gear than Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua Tinkerbell. Thank goodness fashion has kept up with Hollywood. Now you too can turn heads with a stunning suede Dolce and Gibana diaper bag for only $350. And the fun doesn’t stop there. What bump would be complete without a Patented Aviary Crib from Little Miss Liberty Round Crib Company ($1874, bedding not included) or a silver Tiffany barbell rattle ($225)? And that’s not the half of it: bassinets, toys, shoes, clothes, nursery decor, linens, strollers _” there are countless ways for you to use your bump to make a daring fashion statement. It’s a great excuse for a shopping spree _” like you need an excuse!

Watch your waist!

Although the bump is great excuse to indulge those naughty cravings, don’t get too carried away. Your doctor will probably recommend gaining 25-35 pounds, but your doctor doesn’t have to answer to your personal trainer! Besides, all that blubber sounds like a real postpartum downer. So before you put your bulimia on the back burner, remember that all that baby-phat becomes plain, old, yucky fat once you’ve had your bump removed. Also, be sure to set up all your post-bump nip-and-tuck appointments ahead of time.

Suit up!

What better way to make your entrance into the fashion elite than with a whole new wardrobe? And you’ll need it too! Maternity clothes like Bellablu’s flirty white shorts ($98) or ElinOtto’s satin halter dress ($178) are must-haves items. And because your bump is temporary you’ll never have the embarrassment of having to wear the same outfit for more than one season. Also, be sure to accentuate your bump with naval rings and belly shirts, so no one fails to notice you.

Enlist support!

Even as you enjoy all the benefits your bump will bring, don’t forget that it comes with a nasty little by-product. Nothing makes a woman look old and tired faster than having a baby on her hip, so prepare ahead of time. Start searching for your nanny early. It’s also super-important that you screen your applicants well, since you definitely want to avoid a Jude Law/Daisy Wright situation.

Sporting a bump proves to the world that you are a fashion-queen. But more importantly, it also proves you’re an important person who deserves to get everything she wants. Demand all you deserve! At last the whole world will give you the VIP treatment you’ve always known you should have. If a restaurant doesn’t serve what you want, command them to make it for you anyway. Don’t hesitate to use your bump to get ahead in lines, too. And anyone who doesn’t throw you a party or buy you presents should automatically be demoted to “former-friend” status.