HOLLYWOOD – It started as these events usually do. The dresses were sleek and sexy, the smiles broad and glamorous and the atmosphere giddy as the limos queued up at the red carpet outside Grauman’s Chinese Theater for the premiere of the guaranteed cinematic sensation that’s been on everybody’s lips. The lobby was a veritable frenzy of celebrity elbow rubbing and champagne guzzling as Tinseltown’s elite anxiously discussed their expectations of the premier to come.
The first shriek came just fifteen minutes into the movie. “My neck! Oh, God, my neck!” moaned Jack Nicholson. Just moments later, Steven Spielberg cracked his skull loudly against that of multiple-Oscar-award winner Tom Hanks, spewing out copious amounts of blood. Panic soon broke out among the crowd, some of them rushing toward the doors while others were still whipping their heads from side to side with dangerous velocity. Ambulances arrived and over two dozen celebrity injuries had occurred. As of press time, Spielberg remains in near-critical condition, and doctors are unsure whether Robert DeNiro will ever be able to use his left eye again. But one thing is certain.
The premiere of new movie “Pong” was an astounding failure.
“I don’t understand it,” said Time-Warner CEO Barry Meyers. “Kids love all this video game garbage these days, and this was one of the most popular games ever. It should have been box-office magic.”
One of the earliest video games ever released, the plot of “Pong” follows a ball which moves back and forth across the screen, rebounding off two moving panels. Critics agree that, while the game had some popularity, director Quentin Tarantino was not quite able to manage the transition to the big screen.
The failure of “Pong,” once slated to be the blockbuster of the season, leaves Hollywood reeling. What movie could possibly fill the box office void? The verdict’s still out, but all eyes are on heavy hitter Peter Jackson, who’s new movie “To Market Go I,” starring Kate Winslett, Danny DeVito, Kevin Spacey and Samuel L. Jackson, is scheduled to open this weekend.
“This will be one for the ages,” said Executive Producer Robert Shaye. “Only Peter could have been trusted to remain true to the essence of this beloved childhood story of hope and betrayal.”
Clocking in at just under five hours, and with a special effects budget of $700 million, “To Market Go I” is the first in a five-part series “Five Little Piggies,” adapted from the popular toe-stimulation game of the same title.
“The story of the five little piggies strikes a universal chord,” said screenwriter Tony Kushner. “It forces us to examine ourselves because it shows how our passions define us. One little piggie wants roast beef. The other little piggie, however, wants none. How are we to explore these subtle discrepancies, these gradations of desire? It’s because of this sort of question that the piggie story has delighted children for generations. Or maybe it’s just because there’s tickling at the end. I’m not sure. But anyway, you just have to go see it, we’ve invested so much money.”
The movie was filmed largely in the majestic and verdant supermarkets of Jackson’s native New Zealand, whose economy is expected to plummet if it does not receive the massive influx of tourist dollars it expects from the film’s success.
If that success fails to materialize, it might be lean times for Tinseltown. According to a “People Magazine” estimate, once the Piggies saga is over there are only three remaining bankable movie plots still left to produce. One, “The Itsy-Bitsy Spider,” is scheduled for November release by Clint Eastwood. A second, “The Crooked Diagonal,” a biography of the man who invented the Etch-a-Sketch, is being optioned by Oliver Stone. The third remaining plot line, based on a knock-knock joke that ends, “Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning,” is still unclaimed.
“Hey,” said Paramount CEO Brant Grey. “No worries. It’s not like we’re running out of ideas or anything. Hahahaha.” He then paused and wiped the sweat from his brow.
“There’s all sorts of stuff out there. Like, maybe we could do a movie version of ‘Dukes of Hazzard.’ Oh, has that been done already? Huh. Well, how about ‘Lost in Space?’ Oh, that too? Gee.”
After a moment of worried reflection, he shrugged and smiled.
“Ah, well. Maybe some famous musician will croak soon. That’s always good for some quick cash.”