Guru: Aphrodisiacs and you

Do aphrodisiacs actually work?

For those of you who don’t know, an aphrodisiac is a food that is supposed to have one job and one job only: to increase sexual tension in a room. An au-natural Viagra. There’s some pretty fun ones tossed around: chocolate, figs, oysters, strawberries, almonds and bananas (tee hee).

There’s some more scientific spices scientifically known to induce sexual hormones, like nutmeg and cloves, but who wants to eat a whole bunch of either of those? Plus, too much nutmeg can make you hallucinate and is actually detrimental to your nervous system. Having a bad trip is likely not the sexiest way to start Valentine’s day.

Let’s go back to the oysters real fast. I have a personal vendetta against oysters because they look like giant boogers.  Although they are actually the most reasonable aphrodisiac, I see no reason why they should be regarded as a sexy food. They are slimy carnivores. With the exception of Fabio, slimy carnivores do not say “sexy time”.

But I digress; if you do like oysters, take heart. They have high levels of zinc (necessary for men to make their man-juice) and certain amino acids that elevate estrogen and testosterone levels. So yes, aphrodisiacs have been shown to actually work.

Keep in mind that force-feeding your crush an oyster won’t make them want to make out with you. I am willing to bet that shoving a giant booger in someone’s face will warrant a restraining order. Bring on the chocolates, bananas, and figs!

Are there any consequences of aphrodisiacs?

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Let’s take a logical approach to this: calories and price. If you eat six medium sized oysters, you can expect to consume around 60 calories. That’s a piddly little amount. One banana has around 100 calories and one dark chocolate bar has around 650 calories. Holy bologna.

Bear in mind that if your aphrodisiac works as planned, you may work off some of those calories. The average sack session burns between 50 and 100 calories. So you’re still in the red in terms of calorie count, but hopefully that isn’t what’s on your mind. It really isn’t a consequence.

Each of these items are actually reasonably priced. One pint of oysters goes for around $10. It’s the most expensive of the investigated aphrodisiacs. Bananas go for anywhere between 70 and 99 cents per pound, and a chocolate bar can be bought for as little as one dollar.

The average price for one pill of Viagra is between $10 and $11. To boot, you need to get a prescription and schedule your pill taking.

So go for the oysters, bananas and chocolate! They’re more light-hearted options with a fun side for Valentine’s day.