Get yourself out of a pinch with the latest tech revolution

“Wow, Michelle, it’s so nice of you to visit me in the hospital like this. And thanks so much for bringing me the notes from the engineering classes I missed.”

“Think nothing of it, Bridget. How are you doing?”

“I’m feeling pretty drained after that surgery. The doctors say it’s a miracle they didn’t have to amputate my arm.”

“Boy, that sounds pretty rough. But how’d you get into this pickle in the first place?”

“Oh, it was terrible. You remember that project we had to do where we built the balsa wood bridges? I didn’t want to make a fuss about it, but I got a sliver in my finger from the wood. I was hoping it would just go away, but then three weeks later my arm turned green.”

“But, Bridget, why didn’t you just pull the sliver out with a pair of tweezers?”

“Oh, Michelle, I know I should have, but using a pair of tweezers just takes so much time and energy. You have to find them, and pick them up, and then you have to find where the sliver is and figure out how hard to squeeze. I mean, who has that sort of attention span?”

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“You can say that again! No wonder sliver-related deaths have risen so dramatically over the past year among college students around the nation. The Surgeon General says that 90 percent of the fatalities could have been prevented, if only people had used tweezers effectively.”

“Oh, Michelle, it’s like a shadowy plague looming over the hopeful young face of our generation. If only there were some sort of easy solution.”

“There is! Take a look at the new iPinch.”

“Woah, I’ve never seen a pair of tweezers with a USB port!”

“Sister, that’s only the beginning. The new iPinch is a revolutionary piece of technology guaranteed to change the way people tweeze. Every one comes with a 700-gigabyte hard drive which automatically stores your personal tweezing pressure and angulation preferences for such common activities as plucking eyebrows, removing splinters, squeezing pimples or dislodging Milk Duds that you accidentally sucked up your nose.”

“Wow, a world of possibilities! But what about finding common parts of my body? When I’m in the middle of a hectic day of studying and need to pick a sticky piece of lint out of my belly button, the last thing I need to do is spend that extra fifty seconds remembering where exactly my belly button is. I mean, hello? Do I look like I’m a professional anatomist or something?”

“I hear you, Bridget. I used to try to stay organized by carrying around a cumbersome set of index cards that said things like, ‘Your right fingers are attached to your right hand, which is just about a foot past your right elbow in the opposite direction from your shoulder,’ but no more. When I want to find a part of my own body now, I just boot up my iPinch and get online. Let’s say I want to get an impacted nugget of crusty wax out of my left ear canal. I use the handy miniature keypad to type in my name and the body part I’m looking for, and before you know it my iPinch modem is busy communicating with the nearest geosynchronous satellite to find out exactly where I’m going. And then as I’m fishing around inside my ear for that greasy cerumenous ear booger I can avoid piercing my eardrum by turning on the miniature camera and having a high resolution, real-time picture of the inside of my ear transmitted to the screen of the nearest available lap top computer.”

“Well, I’ll be. I’m amazed we’ve lived without it all these years.”

“And that’s just the tip of the iceberg! In just a blink of an eye the iPinch can hook you up to Web pages that will keep you up-to-date on the latest tweezing habits of Hollywood celebrities. Want to know how Catherine Zeta Jones is using the iPinch to trim those unsightly flaky borders off her latest liposuction scabs, or how Ashton Kutscher does his daily lice check? iPinch has you covered. And there are also instant links to chat rooms where you can network with other iPinch users on the latest techniques for tweezing curdled milky residue from the back of your tongue without making yourself retch up your lunch.”

“Gee, what better way to invest my disposable income? Sounds like the iPinch is made for me!”

“It is, Bridget! And the best thing is, you know for certain that it simplifies your life, because it involves the Internet!”

“I can’t argue with that logic. I’m ordering my iPinch today!”