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Feeling Berned out

I’m glad that headline grabbed your attention. Political articles are great at grabbing attention. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to rant about something for 200 words or so before continuing.

I am very tired.

My host, too, is very tired.

The hour of truth is near. Our weeks at UAA, and by extension The Northern Light, are numbered. My host is graduating.

Gigantic projects, threatening exams and complex labs loom on the horizon. None of them have to do with my host’s degree, because he wrapped up all of his journalism credits long ago. The final test of our collegiate career will have nothing to do with journalistic ethics, or video production, or anything we will ever have to do or worry about at a potential future job. It will be about creating digital props and a digital set for a production of “A Streetcar Named Desire” that will never physically exist, using a program we will probably never use again.

It’s a sobering thought that we’re both twiddling our thumbs with (probably) useless knowledge, awaiting a savage and ruthless job market in a state economy that’s on its way to implosion.

We haven’t even picked up graduation gear. My host tried the whole “commencement” thing back in high school, and he wants a quieter affair this time. It’s a shame. I would have made a wonderful cap decoration. Imagine me, the most famous alien brain parasite on the planet, basking in the glow of congratulations and camaraderie among many other students and peers.

So my host is tired, and by psychic connection, that makes me pretty tired. Thankfully, we picked a great year to have these depressing feelings, because the political entertainment machine is a-booming.

A lot of people at this paper have talked about Bernard “Bernie” Sanders. He’s taken Alaska by storm. He ran away with about 82 percent of Alaskan votes at our Democratic caucus (those are the AP’s numbers talking, not me), and his momentum has carried him through many of the Western states up to now. The big battleground state is now New York, the state that both Democratic candidates call home. The results should be flooding in by the time this paper hits the stands, so whatever predictions I might make about it may be flunked by the time you read this.

There’s so much political analysis revolving around the Big Apple at the moment that I can’t even begin to make a prediction towards one candidate without a counter-point being revealed that I didn’t notice earlier. While both candidates are neck and neck in the main delegate count, the superdelegates — those pesky ones that can change sides whenever they wish — remain firmly on Clinton’s side. Bernie’s supporters have created their own little hit list of suspicious superdelegates, but this is a moot point. Clinton already has a small lead in ordinary, muggle delegates, so distributing the superdelegates equally would still leave Clinton where she is, albeit a fair bit closer to Sanders’ numbers.

So all the math and the science says just to wait and see how it goes. Fine. I could have told you that weeks ago.

You really want to know what I think of the candidates, don’t you? I’ve derailed about Trump not too long ago, so why not talk about the Democratic side? On top of that, this paper does have a bit of a pro-Bernie slant. Wouldn’t it be cool if the alien brain slug took the edgy, renegade stance and argued against his candidacy?
Yeah, it would be pretty cool. It’s not what I think, though.

Hillary Clinton is a very slimy person. As a slimy parasite myself, I would normally support her, but honestly, Bernie Sanders is the candidate that fits more into the Slug Empire world view. Wait wait, don’t put the paper down! I don’t mean that in a negative way.

Sanders is a benevolent socialist. His rhetoric revolves around prioritizing helping those in need over fighting others. He wants to unify America and present an olive branch to the rest of the world. I mean, have you seen that video with him and the bird? He’s practically a fairy tale princess at this point.

To be completely fair, though, he lacks a concrete plan for doing so. Well, okay, he does have a plan, but as for how that’s going to get through Congress, I’m not sure. He has plans for restoring America’s economy the same way that Donald Trump has a “plan” for building the border wall. His ideals are noble, but perhaps a bit unrealistic.

Actually, now that I think about it, he and Trump are pretty much two sides of the same coin, aren’t they? Both of them pride themselves on being the “people’s candidate,” raising funds through individual donors instead of huge super PACs — although Trump probably had enough money to fund his campaign to begin with — and both have unrealistic plans for idealistic goals. It just so happens that Sanders is a bit more of an honest, good-willed person.

Maybe Sanders has a bit of a psychic pull to match Trump’s. His fans, lovingly called “Bernie Bros,” can be just as rabid as Trump’s fans. He can obviously influence animals, too, as seen with the bird incident.

Still, I’d much rather have an honest and good psychic mastermind in the White House than Hillary Clinton, who’s trying so hard to be hip and groovy with young voters that it’s almost funny. We’ll see when the last of the primaries roll around.

Hoo… this is gonna be my last political piece for TNL, isn’t it? I’m glad I tied up that thread in a hopeful way.

Don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll find some way to spread the Slug message after I move on from this paper. Until then…

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. EMBRACE THE SEAWOLF SLUG.

Written by George Hyde