Nov. 10, the date this issue comes out, marks an important landmark in procrastination: the release of “Fallout 4.”
Students will call in sick. Work across the country will stagnate. It will be like a national holiday, only with less traditional festivities and more bosses having to send mass emails reminding workers that no, “Fallout 4’s” release is not a worthy excuse to call in sick.
Unlike work, college students are in a weird position. They have the choice to avoid class and spend the day in the wastes of post-nuclear Boston instead. I plead with you, though.
Don’t do it.
Trust me. My host loves “Fallout,” and nothing hurts him more than seeing his colleagues play away while he works on essays and exam studies. I’m kind of with him. I think that it’s a very creative and well-designed series, even if its depiction of aliens is extremely stereotypical. I mean, grey Roswell-style aliens? Flying saucers? Really? I mean, they exist, but that’s just not trying very hard. They also wouldn’t approve of the kind of anal probing we see in “Fallout 3.” They have a culture! They’re diverse! Don’t pretend like humans don’t do anal probing as well!
Anyway. Back on track. We really like “Fallout.” Please understand, though, that doing that kind of thing to your professors and your education is very unprofessional. If the Slug Empire caught you playing “Fallout 4” instead of doing the work that you were supposed to do, you’d get brutally tortured for it. We don’t keep you alive just to waste away in a post-apocalyptic fantasy, and neither will your future employers.
On your own time, that’s fine. Play away. Keep in mind, however, that in college, “your own time” is as much a fantasy as a friendly Deathclaw.
Unless you’re taking less than twelve credits (in which case, I hope you plan on being here for a while), the concept of leisure time in college is implausible. Having to study and work on huge projects just doesn’t allow for that.
Maybe you can work in an hour or two a week, but finding the time to really invest in a game like “Fallout 4” is impossible for the average college student, especially around this time of year.
There’s less time left in the semester than you’d realize. There’s about a month left. For many classes, this is where huge projects and exams start looming on the horizon. It’s foolish to squander that time bumming around the wasteland. With this workload, a college student just can’t afford to throw a huge world to explore on top of that.
I’ve set a mandate on George, one that he’s reluctantly accepted. Since he’s inevitably reviewing the game when it comes out today, I’m forcing him to get all of his huge projects out of the way first.
This is the mandate that I now set on all of you, in case you decide to procrastinate your projects. If you want to buy “Fallout 4” and pick it up today, fine. I won’t stop you. However, you must promise me that you will not start it until every project for every class is done.
The “Fallout” series is a boon for procrastinators, but maybe it can be used to stop procrastination. Think of “Fallout 4” as an incentive, a reward for your getting your hard work done far before the deadline. I say this as a bit of a hypocrite, as my host has always been a bit of a slacker, but this is the kind of choices you’re going to have to make as an adult, which is technically what you are. You’ve entered UAA because you want an actual interesting career that’ll challenge you. Part of that challenge is going to be finding time to slack off and play some “Fallout,” and now that you’re in college, that’s perhaps an even bigger challenge than it’s ever going to be.
It’s perfectly fine if you’re a huge “Fallout” fan. I get it. However, you’re not paying a grand or two (or three, or four, or so on) just to let your professors down. Be the kind of person your future employer — and the Slug Empire, eventually — is going to want to employ!
Then, play some “Fallout.” You’ll have earned it.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. EMBRACE THE SEAWOLF SLUG.