Even with advice, moving on is hard to do

TV shows, movies, songs – I have to think that without breakups none of them would exist.

I’ve been trying to do emotional homework recently, and being young and unsure of what to do with emotions, I’ve turned to happy mediums that are supposed to ease my suffering.

“Sex and the City” – an HBO “comedy” that chronicles the lives of four thirty-something women’s forays into love – has been at the top of my list.

I’ve been watching as the four women fumble between men, sometimes with success, and sometimes with great failure. But often one theme prevails – even when we give someone up, we never do it completely.

Think about it – how many times does Carrie run back to Mr. Big, even after the cheating, lying and lack of emotional commitment? And Miranda and Steve’s petty fights leading to breakup round whatever?

I’ve even seen it with my own life. I recently broke up with my boyfriend. We told everyone it was mutual, but really, it was mostly my doing. We just wanted to avoid the drama that often follows a breakup. There were no feelings attached for the first few weeks, but this week, about a month after breaking up, I told him that part of me wanted him back.

While I honestly don’t want to get back together with him, I still think about us often, and it’s been harder and harder for me to shake this feeling especially when he hints that he wants to get back together with me.

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An immediate wave of memories and regret rush in, leaving me at a moment of weakness, and in my darkest hour, I opened my mouth and spoke the four words nobody post-break up really means to say: I want you back.
However, I did not get the response I expected. He ignored my regretted comment, and I was left feeling even worse after saying it.

Our emotions constantly take us on a roller coaster ride, going up and down and all around. Right after the break up it seems like we’ll never get over our exes, and sometimes we never do. But the biggest battle comes down to the idea of how do I completely get over him, and how do I get to the point where a part of me doesn’t want him back?

It’s an age-old question, and I’m sure even well known philosophers and scientists can’t answer it, because well, our emotions are complicated things. It’s a question the ladies from “Sex and the City” never really answered either. Both Carrie and Miranda ended up with their “exes” when all was said and done.

As I think back on the ups and downs of our relationship, it seems as though only the good times come to mind. This makes moving on especially hard when there is nothing to move on to.

Looking back, the relationship was fun and exciting, but at the same time, I try to remember that I don’t want to go back to him, because I know that a week after getting back together, I will be unhappy and disappointed once again.

He says I am taking him on a roller coaster ride and toying with his emotions. He thinks I am stringing him along and that I don’t care about how he feels, but that’s not true. It’s difficult for both of us.

I’ve come to the conclusion that getting back together is out of the question and we’re both finding it hard to be civil when there are still strings attached. But we’ve found it easier to talk about the situation once we both get past the drama. Periodic talks about where we’re both at in the aftermath of the breakup have helped a lot. We’re growing as friends, and we’re slowly moving on.

It’s a different direction, but at least it’s a direction.