Easy on the Lower 48, Alaska!

By Klax Zlubzecon
Translated by George Hyde

Graphic by Roz Kirkelie
 

Now that I think about it, Anchorage is the only place that I’ve ever been on Earth. It’s the only experience I’ve had on this planet and with humanity. Aside from the Internet, Anchorage is the only place I’ve ever been, and your people are the only people I’ve ever met.

So it’s strange whenever people talk about other places or states. George has been to a few places, like New York, Miami, or the Bahamas, and from what I’ve seen, those places seem so exotic and weird compared to Alaska. Palm trees, jungles of steel, different languages — it all seems so strange. And that’s not even mentioning the strange creatures that George has encountered in his travels, like the alligator or the majestic sassy cab driver.

My point is that some of these exotic lands have experienced what Alaskans deal with on a regular basis: cold weather. There are some cases (mostly in the southern states) of traffic coming to a complete halt due to a couple measly millimeters of snow. Alaskans jest and joke about how weak and powerless those in the other states are. And I just want to say, that’s kind of rude.

Not that it’s not funny, but man, you guys can be vicious sometimes!

In fact, George was talking with a Texan friend of his who’s had to deal with cold weather, and he made a snarky Bane quote: “Ah, you merely adopted the cold. I was born in the cold, raised by it, molded by it! I didn’t know the warmth of the Lower 48 until I was a man, and by then it was nothing to me!”

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Chuckles from both sides ensued, when I realized something: Bane’s got a point about winter. Not an intentional point, but then again, “The Dark Knight Rises” is a pointless movie anyway. (I finally get to make a joke about that movie! Ha!)

Alaskans were raised in this kind of weather. They were brought up in an environment that encouraged snow shoveling in the winter alongside lawn mowing in the summer. They grew up sledding, skiing, snowboarding, tubing or doing any number of other awesomely fun things in the snow.

So when Anchorage is hit with four feet of snow, we know what to do. We don’t cancel school or drive the city into chaos. We grab our shovels and our plows and get to work so we can, well, get to work. We’re used to it.

Now take a city like, say, Atlanta, which recently was thrown into disarray after getting hit with less than an inch of snow. They can’t deal with snow. They’ve never really had to. They’re a very warm city. They’ve never had to throw down the gravel or get the plows going, because they don’t really have any.

It’s the same reason George always gets concerned during a heat wave. If you remember last summer, when Anchorage temperatures hit upwards of 83 degrees, you’ll remember that most Alaskans, George included, started to loathe it after the novelty of the heat wore off. That’s normal, everyday weather for a city like New York or Atlanta. And it just about killed an Alaskan like George.

It works both ways, see. We may joke about how Texas can’t handle the cold, but you can bet that they’re right there laughing back at us when we start sweating up a storm at 80 degrees.

So before you start pointing your finger at those “wusses” in the South, learn your place and think about how funny it is to them when we start cooking in what they would call a rainy day.

The cold betrays them because it belongs to us! We will show them how cold it is where we have made our home, and then it will break them. Our precious advice, gratefully accepted! They will need it. Ah yes, we were wondering what would break first … their spirits, or their bodies?

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. EMBRACE THE SEAWOLF SLUG.