A well-meaning column rife with clunky metaphors and horrible advice, Orange Rhymes With is the go-to place to break the monotony of classes and laugh at someone else’s misfortune.
Archive for the ‘Orange Rhymes With’ Category
There exists a foolproof loophole in the standard of journalistic integrity that this column generally tries to live up to; fishing stories. The beauty of a fishing story is that everyone wants to believe it so badly, that not only will spectators ignore the various inconsistencies, but will even go as far as to heckle […]
As a general rule, I try to find an upside in everything. I may not be happy about it, I may view it through a cynical perspective, but I do at least try to find the bright side of things. Sometimes there is no upside. This is the story of the incident. It began with […]
There’s nothing worse than an obnoxious coworker. See, if it were an awful family member, then the most you have to interact with them is once or twice a year at a reunion. Worst case scenario, they have one too many drinks and start asking you incredibly awkward questions about your relationship and career goals. […]
So my never-ending quest to find employment has finally ended, and my status as a mangy, unemployed hobo has finally been revoked. Well I mean, I’m still living on a couch and “mangy” is probably the most apt word for whatever my beard is doing these days, but at least someone is paying me real […]
As we enter the second installment of my life as a transient hobo, things have begun to get weird. Though I’ve been bouncing around between Anchorage, Wasilla and, quite frequently, my tent, I’ve been spending a good bit of time at my girlfriend’s apartment. While this is fantastic and really gracious of the people who […]
Well, it looks like this is it. As I gaze out my window I see an odd cycle of students packing their belongings into cars and throwing trash on the ground, as workers in yellow vests pick up trash while trying to avoid getting hit by frenzied students packing their belongings into cars. There’s probably […]
I’m a master of procrastination. I’ve somehow justified not cleaning my room for the past two weeks by the fact that I’m moving out soon anyway, and all of my coursework is routinely delegated to Future-Me as a matter of convenience. I actually sat down to write this column and somehow accidentally created a quasi-inspirational […]
Remember when you were a child and your mom guilt-tripped you into eating bad food because “there are starving children in Africa”? That gambit always seemed to work despite the inherent logistical challenges behind shipping the limp broccoli from your plate to needy children on the other side of the globe. The monstrosity that we […]
Not all of these columns are created equal. Some are written because I’ve had a questionable experience that needs to be published, some because of a holiday or shared event that needs scathing commentary. And some are just written because I have a deadline looming and need the extra spending money. (Let’s not dance around […]
far this winter has been a bust. The snow decided to skip town and leave the liquefied corpse of snowboarding season in its wake, and the Superbowl was about as exciting as watching Olympic athletes face off against any sports team I’ve ever been a part of. I don’t want to venture too far into […]
A man’s car is like his baby. Wait, no. That may be a bit misleading because I’m really not fond of babies. To clarify, my car is in no way a wrinkled, slobbering cry-monster that needs continuous attention. In fact, the more attention you give her, the more alarmed you may be by the dazzling […]
Every so often in life you run across a significant milestone. At 16 you earn the right to test out your racing abilities, honed by countless hours of “Grand Theft Auto,” in the real world. At 18 you’re allowed to utilize your less-than-comprehensive understanding of national politics (or at least the bits you remember from your high school government class) to influence the presidential election. Somewhere between the ages of 22 and 35 you’ll finally graduate college so you can begin paying down three lifetimes worth of debt.
I’ve already made several huge mistakes this semester — not little mistakes such as forgetting to submit an assignment or showing up slightly late, but big scheduling miscalculations that make my very presence in class a mistake.