Men don’t understand women. There are a lot more differences between men and women than just breasts, buttocks, childbearing hips, monthly tantrums (women blame it on “periods,” but I have a theory it’s just an excuse to throw regular fits over food messes and the toilet seat being left up), attire and giant footwear collections. [...]
Archive for the ‘Orange Rhymes With’ Category
ORW: Unnatural Odors
February 7th, 2012 by Alden Lee
A smell wafted from our refrigerator.
No one was sure what it was or where it came from. But it was THERE, without a doubt. Lingering, spreading, pooling out in invisible noxious clouds whenever the fridge swung open.
ORW: (Halfway) up the mountain
January 24th, 2012 by Alden Lee
I’m an outdoor guy. I’ve often been of the belief that I previously reincarnated from a mountain goat.
Much of my pleasure in life is derived from climbing up the side of a cliff or running full-tilt down a rocky mountain trail or swan diving into a lake. I’m no stranger to bounding across boulder-strewn landscapes, bellowing: “The hiiiiiills are aliiive, with the sound of muuuuuusiiiic!!” like an athletic Julie Andrews with dude parts. Don’t ask why this happens; it’s just inspiration in the moment.
O.R.W.- And a Joyful HanuKwanzaaMas to You!
December 18th, 2011 by Alden Lee
In an age where everything we say has the potential of being considered politically incorrect—where “chairman” has become “chairperson” and homeless people prefer to be called “residentially flexible”—the holiday season has become a nightmare of PC relations. “What can I say so that I’m not offensive?” wonder people all over the nation as wintertime festivities [...]
O.R.W.: Calling customer service: please hold
November 8th, 2011 by Alden Lee
I’m standing in my room, slumped catatonically against a wall. A cellphone has leeched itself to the side of my face, and horrible, poppy jazz music is seeping into my eardrums, slowly turning my brain into a pile of Sexy Sax-Man mush. In my comatose state, I dimly wait for an end to the relentless [...]
O.R.W.: Bag snatchin’ from costumed kiddos
October 24th, 2011 by Alden Lee
BOO! Pardon me, just a little mood setter before we begin. Halloween is right around the corner. With it comes all the ghoulish horrors of unsupervised adolescents running around egging houses and snatching up whole piles of candy from the bowl out on the porch steps that has been clearly marked ONE PIECE ONLY PLEASE [...]
O.R.W.: Dance, Churchill, Dance!
October 11th, 2011 by Alden Lee
A group of friends and I recently took it upon ourselves to serve up some lobster as a prelude to UAA’s Homecoming Dance. It was Homecoming after all, we reasoned, and what better way to warm up for dancing than tearing into some buttery seafood. As poor young college students, we weren’t about to go [...]
O.R.W.: The morning routine
September 28th, 2011 by Alden Lee
There’s an art to waking up at the exact right moment. Some have the ability, with internal clocks so finely tuned they could provide the International Time Standard, to rouse themselves with EXACTLY enough time to shower, clean up, eat a wholesome breakfast, collect their necessary items for the day ahead, and be out the [...]
O.R.W.: The Art of Writing College Papers
September 21st, 2011 by Alden Lee
Before I begin, I’d like to make a clarifying statement to any of my professors who may be reading this: Know that in no way do I, or would I ever, subscribe to the methods and tips about to be provided. My papers are the product of 100% wholehearted research and honest effort in the [...]
O.R.W.: But who needs sleep anyways?
September 13th, 2011 by Alden Lee
Before I pass out at my computer and attempt to write the rest of this article with my face, I’d like to state a simple fact: There just aren’t enough hours of sleep available for college students. Oh, there’s plenty of nighttime. Can’t argue with that. And all that needs to be done, say sleep [...]
ORW: There and back again: The joys of commuting
September 7th, 2011 by Alden Lee
There’s something inherently sucky about having to drag yourself up in the early hours of the morning and plod over to the shuttle to get to class. The wait is long, the service is slow, and there’s only so long you can listen to NPR over the radio before you want to claw your eardrums [...]
O.R.W: Return of the Collegiate
August 23rd, 2011 by Alden Lee
College is back in session, ladies and gentlemen. We’ve been dreading its arrival for weeks and weeks—ever since that horrible realization kicked in that once again we’d have to scrounge for textbook money and buy those ridiculous parking stickers—but now it’s here and we’ve got to suck it up and jump back in.
O.R.W.: Window Seat, Peanut Bag, and an Excess of Earlobe
August 9th, 2011 by Alden Lee
I used to get a kick out of flying. A nine-year-old mentality turns a trip to the airport into the ultimate Cinnabon-fueled adventure. And boy oh boy, crossing through that boarding tunnel to the body of the plane was like following the yellow brick road to the Land of Oz, complete with cool overhead bins and funny-smelling air.
O.R.W.: Crazy 2012 Presidential Candidates
June 14th, 2011 by Alden Lee
With election season not too far off, we’ve already seen our first wave of publicity stunts and mudslinging politicians, more of which are sure to come. With the all-too-soon departure of the loudmouthed, birth certificate wielding, helmet hair-domed mogul Donald Trump, the selection of presidential candidates for 2012 has just become much more dull. There’s really nothing there (yet) to replace him and make those presidential debates even worth watching. What’s America to do?
