O.R.W.- And a Joyful HanuKwanzaaMas to You!

In an age where everything we say has the potential of being considered politically incorrect—where “chairman” has become “chairperson” and homeless people prefer to be called “residentially flexible”—the holiday season has become a nightmare of PC relations.

“What can I say so that I’m not offensive?” wonder people all over the nation as wintertime festivities draw near. “Is Happy Holidays unspecific enough? Or Seasons Greetings? Or Peace on Earth?”

Everyone tries to be tolerant of others’ beliefs so hard that they end up spinning themselves into a whirlpool of conflicting secular madness. When the Salvation Army bell ringers at the entrances of stores start calling out, “Merry religious holiday of your preference! User-Specific Deity bless!”—it’s obvious that things have hit the fan.

In an effort to resolve this confusing and stressful holiday kerfuffle, the National Holiday Celebration Board has decided to simplify everything by combining all the winter holidays together, into one big unified holiday:

HanuKwanzaaMas!

No more worrying about offending anyone by well wishing the wrong seasonal practice—HanuKwanzaaMas covers all the bases. In a political correctness grand slam, this new holiday mashes together all the religious and cultural traditions of the original celebrations, turning them virtually insult-free.

While Christmas may stand as a celebration of the birth of lil’ baby Jesus, Hanukkah as a dedication to the miracle of long-lasting sacred olive oil, and Kwanzaa as a moment of African self-reflection and fruit-eating, all the holidays essentially boil down to one thing: the practice of going out and buying a mess-load of presents.

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The Holiday Celebration Board realized this right off, and has made it the heart of HanuKwanzaaMas.

Because he is the greatest symbol for the materialistic consumption that drives holiday merchandise sales, there’ll still be a Santa Claus. Just now he’ll be black and lead his reindeer on with a lit menorah in hand, crying, “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Donner and Blitzen, on Abraham, on Issur, on Basir and Shaundra! To the nearest superstore we go! There’s great deals at Best Buy!”

And rather than deal with the inconsistent time period of eight days of Hanukkah, seven days of Kwanzaa and one day of Christmas (or 12, depending whether you subscribe to the rather confusing festive song full of giftwrapped lords-a-leaping and partridges stuck in pear trees), HanuKwanzaaMas splits the difference and goes for a solid week of retail celebration.

So this PC-compliant holiday season, make sure to have a wonderful HanuKwanzaaMas, and happy shopping!