A confused brain slug discusses SB174 A&E Seawolf Slug NEW-01-01.jpg Full view

A confused brain slug discusses SB174

Alright, alright. Let’s talk about the SB 174 thing already.

For the one or two of you not in the know, SB 174 is a bill currently running through Alaska’s state legislature that would allow people on school grounds to conceal carry weapons. At time of writing, it’s passed the Senate 13 to 5, and is now looming over the House.

People on campus are divided on the issue – one of our writers pointed that out a few weeks ago (http://bit.ly/1qx811h) – but it’s time for the official, authoritarian, definitive, no-buts, alien brain slug perspective.

I don’t care. Do what you want.

I know that sounds like a counter-productive statement from the envoy of the galaxy’s most terrifying alien dystopian empire. I mean, wouldn’t a potential invader from another planet want to get weapons out of people’s hands instead of keeping them concealed?

Here’s the thing, though. Bullets, as you humans create them, aren’t particularly effective against most alien invaders. They are good for killing A) other humans, B) meeker beings that we definitely won’t have on the front lines of our invasion, and that’s it. Most civilizations in the galaxy have already moved on to more creative weaponry, like lasers and wormhole bombs. Bullets aren’t going to do a fat lot of good against that.

Most of our more vicious soldiers are so psychically powerful that they can not only see bullets coming in time to dodge them, they can stop them with their minds and throw them back at you. Ain’t no opposition to a conceal-carry bill going to stop that.

Besides, the armada still won’t be here for at least hundreds of thousands of years, because, you know, the whole light-speed limit thing. The chances of SB 174 still being in effect by then are unlikely at best.

Still, it’s the semantics that matter. Suppose SB 174 went into effect, and humans did end up inventing laser weapons while it was still in effect. Would SB 174 lead to an awesome laser apocalypse on campus if that were the case? I don’t think so.

Humans are stupid, but they aren’t that stupid.

If someone were to shoot up campus with huge freaking laser beams, a responsible person with a concealed laser pistol could, in theory, save the day by using it in that situation much faster than the police or FBI could arrive on the scene.

That begs the question of people being afraid of potential laser outbursts on campus, though. Several professors have stated their concern about having guns in their classroom. The fear that a student or professor could have about a potential gun in the classroom could disrupt the educational process.

If your first thought after reading that sentence was, “Well, they wouldn’t even know if there was a gun! Why should they be afraid?” then obviously you’ve never seen a good horror movie. Every horror movie fan knows that the scariest parts of the movie are the parts you don’t see or know about, and if you think that makes a movie scary, try a peaceful classroom where there could be a lethal weapon somewhere.

Both of these points are legitimate concerns. A person with a legally concealed weapon could respond faster to an emergency, but the fear that that brings to UAA could be really bad for the educational experience in general.

That’s why I don’t know whether or not I should support this bill. Or if I should care.

Whenever there’s a mass shooting or terrorist attack at a school or theater or airport or sports game or wherever, it always sparks a huge debate among the common folk. People with guns defend the second amendment vehemently, while others say that the weapon landscape in America has changed since that amendment was written. Political candidates use the issue to leverage voters, nobody steps up to solve the issue, and the world inevitably continues to turn.

I wish I could have an answer for you guys. Under Slug Empire control, we’d probably take them away, because, you know, authoritarian Empire’s gotta do what an authoritarian Empire’s gotta do. That won’t be for thousands of years, though, so…

I honestly don’t know. I really don’t. I am thoroughly bamboozled by this issue.

Try to keep it tame in the comment section, folks.


Written by George Hyde