I will not give a man a blowjob.
Whew. That’s over with. I said it. It’s taken me six and a half years to feel comfortable saying that aloud.
That’s right — six and a half years.
How in the world did a strong, assertive woman like myself go so long without confessing a hate for blowies?
The answer is easily explained: I thought refusing to give head would mean losing the physical connection I share with my partner during sex.
I thought, “Hey! If a guy goes down on me, I should go down on him.”
I thought, “I don’t want to be one of those girls who won’t try things!”
I thought it would make me “bad” at sex.
Yeah, even writing that makes me feel like an ignorant schlump for letting pop culture and society warp my brain into thinking I should do sexual things I don’t enjoy.
With my last boyfriend, it became a hassle to think about being asked to give head that I became anxious about it. I started lying and coming up with excuses for why I couldn’t do it at the moment.
That’s not to say anything bad about my last boyfriend. He is an amazing person, and looking back, I’m sure he would have respected my decision to refrain from the activity. I just couldn’t say the words aloud.
After I moved up to Anchorage last fall, I practiced saying this phrase in my mind over and over again: “I don’t give blowjobs. I don’t give blowjobs. I don’t give blowjobs.”
Recently, I was in a situation with someone I’ve been dating, and the opportunity was at full mast for me to give my practiced speech.
“I have to tell you something really important,” I said.
I looked straight into his beautiful blue eyes, and with unwavering conviction said, “I don’t give blowjobs.”
He smiled his dimply smile and said, “That’s okay. I don’t really like blowjobs that much anyway.”
Then he kissed me.
And just like that, my speech was over, and I don’t have to practice it anymore.
I’m not a dummy. I’m perfectly aware that my guy would appreciate some oral attention. But his is perhaps the only lie anyone has ever told to me that I’ve actually appreciated.
Now, the decision to write this piece has not been easy.
But in offering people a peek into my bedroom, I want all the readers to know something greater than the fact that it’s okay to not give blowjobs.
I want you all to know that only you define your sexuality and limitations.
This is especially pertinent to all the ladies out there.
The world is already telling us we’re too fat, skinny, curly-haired, straight-haired, small-breasted and large-breasted. It’s ironic how we can simultaneously be everything a woman is “supposed” to be and everything a woman is “not supposed” to be.
But when that bedroom door closes, it is just you and your partner.
So make sex what it should be — an intimate, exciting experience.
Because if we don’t own it, everyone and everything else will.